Educated Idiots; Actual MD Transcripts

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Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.

Comes to ED complaining of vaginal breathing.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Diagnosis: Claustrophobia

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.

Healthy appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

I will be happy to go into her GI system, she seems ready and anxious.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Odor of alcohol on breast

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

Patient arrived by avalanche

Patient had waffles for breakfast, and anorexia for lunch.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

Patient stable all morning, in asystole

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. (Blank), who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

Road Traffic Accident, back seat driver

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

She is numb from her toes down.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The other foot has the missing toe.

The patient complains of a dry cough that hurts when he coughs and also when he takes deep breaths for 4 days.

The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient is disabled with a wife from Portsmouth

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.

The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Ward to dispose of him.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

The skin was moist and dry.

Uterus remains in place resting comfortably (after prolapse repair)

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, xrated and sent home.

                                                      and we trust? these idiots with our healthcare