The hero and heroine in love always get a great table in a restaurant, even in New York City at lunch on Saturday.

The hero and the bad guy have perfect aim and a knife they throw always hits bullseye, unless the bad guy is throwing it at the hero, in which case he'll miss and hit the sidekick.

The hero has usually suffered a tragic loss of confidence because of some fatal blunder but when the same situation crops up, he manages to overcome his fear and saves the day.

The hero is always given the task of coaching the worst team in the league as some type of community service and by the end of the film you can bet that the team

The hero is required to gulp milk directly from the container in the fridge. This is never offensive to anyone else.

The hero lives in New York City working at some okay, but not particularly high-paying job, and yet he or she has a roomy apartment filled with nice stuff, generally with a good view, and sometimes a nice, romantic rooftop to go to.

The hero never gets shot in the head if he is wearing a bullet proof kevlar vest.

The hero news reporter's fridge is always empty. He never remembers to restock it.

The hero stranded in the desert will always throw away the canteen after he/she swallows the last drop of water.

The hero will always be paired off with a female character. The sidekick never will.

The hero will always get shot in the shoulder, yet will be able to use his arm.

The hero will always have a small trickle of blood in the right corner of his mouth after a fight. His lip will never be split in the middle, and his upper lip will always be invulnerable. He will wipe the blood from the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand, then look at it. If his face displays any other injury, it will usually be a small abrasion on his right cheekbone. He will wear a band-aid on this for one day, after which it will be miraculously healed.

The hero will always refuse the assistance of friends or medical personnel after a fight.

The hero will have an associate who has no fighting skills and who just makes people laugh. This comic relief character will be present in every action scene, despite the fact that he is absolutely no help.

The hero/victim always has to check where a noise is coming from when they are in a haunted house.

The hero-cop will never carry the department issued weapon. He will instead have something far larger and more powerful.

The hero's best friend/partner will usually be killed by the bad guys three days before retirement.

The Hero's nerdy sidekick will inevitably be matched up with the equally nerdy best friend of the hero's love interest. If the sidekick has glasses, his love interest will usually have glasses as well. Because the prerequisite for coupledom is that they must be on an equal level of attractiveness.

The hero's new wife will be mowed down by 80 machine guns right after the wedding or during the honeymoon.

The hero's weapon is always different from everyone else’s.

The high school janitor is always some sort of expert in the martial arts/engineering/ extermination of aliens.

The Internet is an ultimate resource for solving complex crimes or mysteries. The search engines the main characters use provide invaluable clues within 10 seconds without the hassle of pop ups or an abundance of porno sites.

The lady in waiting is never quite as beautiful as the princess; however, she still always catches the eye of the hero's sidekick.

The main character in the film always finish the game by check mating his opponent the second he ends the conversation as if he could have done that at any time.

The main character never sits in the front of the classroom.

The main character wakes up to an alarm radio and it just so happens that the DJ conveniently mentions the city/place/country/year etc we're in.

The meek-seeming hero with a mysterious past, or the former warrior, will always refuse to fight the bad guys at the beginning of the movie. Only later, after the villains come after the people he loves, does the hero transform into an unstoppable, bloodthirsty warmonger/vigilante.

The military hero always carries a special knife with an 11 inch + blade and a hollow handle with all sorts of gadgets. (most soldiers stick with the standard bayonet [6 in blade], Marine Corps Fighting knife[7 in blade], or airforce[5 1/2 in blade] survival knife. None have hollow handles because hollow handles break too easily)

The moon is always out at night (except for those cheaper movies where the sun is still out..).

The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.

The more people there are firing at you, the less likely they are to hit you.

The most sophisticated labs in the world have impenetrable vault doors buried 30 stories into mountains but use regular hardware store glass panes for observation rooms in the lab nerve center

The most unstable object in creation is a roadside fruit seller's cart.

The movie hero is (almost) always divorced, but he still has some contact with his ex-wife who tells him that she could not stay married to him because she loves him too much.

The music in bars or disco is always earshattering, except the volume somehow is miraculously turned down so we can hear the characters talk in normal tones.

The new teacher arriving at the tough inner city school will always turn the hoodlum students into caring, respectful citizens, though one or two may become victims to gang warefare/pregnancy/drugs, etc.

The nicest girl in high school, incidentally the prettiest, will always be dating a complete bastard, although she is totally oblivious to this. He is also the captain of the football team. When a new love interest arrives, usually from 'out of town', he is bullied by this bastard, given wedgies, and injured in football games.

The nosey neighbor always says it's probably nothing but.... and then provides information that virtually wraps up the case.

The only people who ride city busses are "victims."

The only way to discover an undercover cop is to open his shirt and find a wire. Failing to find a wire clears the cop of any suspicion.

The only way you know a bad guy is dead is when a really bad pun is made on killing him.

The on-the-ragged-edge detective is allowed to wear a t-shirt and jeans to work while everyone else in the department is required to wear a suit and tie.

The opposing coach in the last game is always evil and tries to convince one of his players to perform an evil deed to try to win the game.

The people in movieland do not have polite manners on the phone. They usually don't say hello or good-bye.

The person behind the wheel is talking to and looking at their passenger for the entire journey without actually looking at the road, changing gear, signaling etc.

The person who is very unlikely to score the game winner does so.

The phone rings. Caller says, "You better check out what's on the news on Channel 13". He turns on channel 13 and gets the report from the beginning.

The platoon Sargent never has a grenade on him, so he always asks someone else for the grenade, then pulls the pin out with his teeth. (which will usually cause you to lose teeth before extracting the pin!)

The police dog always gets hurt and dies at the end.

The police will never question the hero, even if he kills lots of bad guys

The popular cheerleader will always have an annoying dorky younger brother.

The popular guy will always fall in love with the geeky girl when he sees her in a dress with make-up on and her hair done.

The president is asleep whenever some national emergency (villain steals nuclear weapon / threatens to nerve gas an entire city, etc). Somebody always gets told to wake the president.

The princess has to marry the bad guy because her father wants her to (or the bad guy makes her marry him) but in the end our hero can defeat the bad guy and they marry.

The standard trip home from space, when assisted by an atomic blast, lasts approximately two to three pulls on a cigar

The strongest force governing human survival is the possession of a name.

The supervillain in martial arts movies needs to be at least twice the size of the hero.

The team with the most ridiculous mascot name will win the last game.

The technology needed to produce a circuit breaker has obviously been lost to the far future, as any damage to the spaceship results in sparking and exploding control panels.

The tires of any jet screech upon landing.

The undercover cop will have a conflict between their police duties and the criminal life. They will have a strong bond with a criminal only to have to betray him later.

The universal medical procedure is defibrillation. Any time an EMT appears in a scene he/she will defibrillate someone before going back home. ER doctors defibrillate all patients, regardless of complaint.

The US Air Force will use their stealth aircraft at every opportunity, regardless of practicality or even ability to carry out the mission.

The vehicles involved in a chase are always closely matched regardless of what vehicles are being used. Even if the hero is driving a sports car and the bad guys are driving a stretch limo or a truck.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there. There is always a well positioned vent with a grill cover that is easy to take off and fit into. And you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. .

The villain always has a hidden knife which will appear either during a pivotal point in the duel or when the villain is considered to be defeated in which case the hero will be turned to kiss the heroine. When the villain is lying on the floor he will attempt to throw the knife at the hero but will usually be killed by the sidekick and will die with the knife falling from his hand.

The villain will always grab the girl, pull her head back by her hair, and lick, smell or kiss her neck. (holding a knife to it is optional).

The villain/secret government agency often have immense underground facilities that is kept a secret in spite of the fact that scores of electricians, carpenters, masons, engineers, plumbers etc. must have been involved in the construction, and tons and tons of materials and equipment must have been transported to and from the site. And no mention is made to the seemingly insurmountable infrastructural problems involved in hauling all this to the often desolate locations (deserted volcanic islands, remote bug-infested jungle and the like)

The villain will have a predator as pet, to which he enjoys throwing people he dislikes. Most likely, that predator will bring his own death.

The wagon that breaks an axle or gets stuck in the creek is always the one carrying the king's entire treasury, which he totes around with him every time he goes gallivanting through bandit-infested countryside.

The walls of a teenager's bedroom or a twentyish adult's apartment are always highly decorated, beyond anything sane, with every available inch of space covered with something cool.

The winning play in the championship game is always decided in slow-motion -- whether it's the game-winning home run, the winning touchdown pass or, in basketball, the buzzer-beating throw that rolls around the basket's rim twenty or so times until it falls into the basket. Once the play is made, everything reverts to regular speed and the fans rush onto the field to mob the hero.

The witness with the accent, or the witness who smokes, is always lying.

The woman giving birth is always able to fire off witty one liners between contractions.

The world's most accurate, easy-to-use weapon is the .38 cal revolver with a 3" barrel.

There' always a woman pushing a baby in a buggy across the street that the good guy has to avoid and allow the baddy to get away.

There are always people carrying around large sheets of glass on the street during a car chase.

There are never any commercials on the TV or radio.

There are no stop signs in movie land. Wherever you have to drive, no matter how close or far away it is, you never have to stop before you get there.

There are tiny cameras mounted everywhere, on every panel, in your spaceship. No matter what happens anywhere in the ship, you will always be able to ask the computer to replay the scene for you later (even if the computer went up in smoke) and unlike those blurry convenience store cameras, your tiny ship cameras always capture everyone's actions at eye-level with perfect lighting.

There has to be a scene involving giving chocolate to children or nylons/cigarettes to women in a WW II movie. The soldiers never try to take advantage of the situation by asking for sexual favors in return.

There is also an obligatory scene where a soldier reads a travel brochure about beautiful Italy/Germany/France/Guam/ while the camera pans across the blown up country side.

There is always a child with Asthma and/or Diabetes, that needs their inhaler and/or insulin at a crucial point in the film.

There is always a child's doll in the wreckage of a passenger plane crash.

There is always a man cleaning a glass with a dirty rag when someone walks into a bar.

There is always a serious student in the school library who will (loudly) give you a big shhhhhhhhhhhhh! during a very important conversation, no matter how softly you are speaking.

There is always a sound effect for every action a computer makes. Such as when a character enters text or when a computer changes screens there is a blip or a click

There is always an easily accessible and easy to open trap door at the top of every elevator.

There is always someone in the canal or the storm drain when the flood hits.

There is no need for any text input window, you just type quickly & the computer does whatever you want. from any location.

There is no such thing as female cab drivers.

There isn't a single bad guy that doesn't have a strange quirk that makes him very easy to spot by the trained audience.

There must be a lot of expensive engagement rings at the bottoms of rivers because when a moviland man is spurned he feels compelled mope bye the shore and then throw the ring in rather than take it back to the jewelers and get his three or ten thousand dollars back.

There will be at least one good player in the underdog team. In the last minutes of the final of the competition they will be injured and the worst player will have to be substituted and inevitably will score the winning goal.

There's a deep humming in space, no doubt about it.

There's a dial tone to be heard on A's phone immediately after B has hung up on his/her end.

There's always a deep humming in space.

There's always a nerdy soldier/rookie who keeps talking to his unlistening comrades, until the tough guy says "Hey Jimmy! Do us a favor-and shut up!".

There's always a popular, bitchy cheerleader at every high school.

There's always a retired cop or detective being called to solve a crime that no one else can solve. And he does it brilliantly

There's always a scene where the detective gets a phone call really late at night after he's gone to bed. When the phone rings, he doesn't sit up and pretend that he wasn't asleep, like most people do. He just lays there and mumbles hello. The phone call is always something urgent, and he tells them he'll be right there.

There's never an annoying wind disturbing the coiffures of convertible passengers.

They only buy quarts of milk, never gallon jugs. There will always be just enough milk in the carton for coffee or half a glass.

Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

Throwing a grenade results in a smallish flamey explosion which causes the soldiers about 10 feet away on either side to jump wildly into the air, falling dead due to their 3 foot leap.

Thrown stars and knives never miss when thrown, unless they pin a character's clothing to a wall or tree.

Thunder and lightning always happen at the same time.

Time will stand still when the hero is in the presence of a company logo.

To display the effects of the wind, whoever is getting into the helicopter always has a hat on.

Toilets: Only men actually use toilets. Women just use it for their makeup.

Transportation always arrives and leaves on time.

Trees explode if hit by a laser beam.

Trucks are indestructible. In the movies you can drive through brick walls, chain link fences, houses, over cars and never even so much as put a smudge on the paint.

Two guys or a bunch of guys go at it, repeatedly bashing each other in the face with massive blows, or hitting each other with chairs, sticks, refrigerators, whatever -- and they go one doing this, sometimes for minutes at a time.

Two parties involved in a shootout will from time to time come to some magical mutual understanding that guns are no longer necessary, drop their weapons and begin a fist fight.

Two people are talking in a room and the conversation has ended. They say goodbye and the actor leaving the room always remembers one more thing to say just as he gets to the door.

Two people will often converse while one stares out the window, with their back to the other. When an emotional point is made, the first person will turn around.

Two total strangers, upon falling into bed together, will always reach an incredibly intense, mutual, and SIMULTANEOUS orgasm on the first try.

Typical conversation between a pregnant woman and man: Woman: I'm late! Man: What for?

Uniformed Cop Rule: Any uniformed police officer that is assigned to protect a witness will be murdered by the killer. The plain clothed detective will usually arrive in time to save the witness, but not the officer.

Usually, when a character is going through his/her mail and there is an important letter, it is never is the first letter he/she looks at. The character always goes through two or three other letters before getting to the one that will surprise/shock/annoy him/her.

Veteran firefighters always yell at rookies when they don't know something and they're trying to teach them. Like You don't know shit about pain son, I've fought me some fires, don't tell me...you gotta look the beast in the eyes

Video-phones display pictures of the callers looking straight into the camera. The camera must be in the middle of their screen, in other words.

Villains are fond of explaining everything to anyone in sight.

Villains are improbably competent and inventive, but can only make money by pulling stupid robberies. They will risk everything they have and are to get revenge on some guy who once thwarted them.

Villains never tire of describing chess as a metaphor for life's struggles.

Vintage cars are always 100% immaculate and freshly polished. They never have any scratches, dents or repairs.

Vomit is portrayed by distant toilet flush. Nobody ever throws-up on the carpet.

Warp or hyper-drive will always fail at critical moments.

Watch steering wheels in movie cars, especially in "through the windshield looking at the driver" shots. 9 times out of 10, the spokes of the wheel, which one would think should be horizontal, or close to it, are vertical, i.e., one can see one of the wheel spokes vertical, above the dash, in front of the driver's face, even when he's driving straight.

Weather: When the heroine says "I think it's going to rain" it immediately does.

Western characters are never shot in the legs while hiding behind wagons.

When 2 people start to have sex in one room, they always end up in a completely different room the next morning.

When a car falls off a cliff after a car chase, it usually explodes before reaching the ground.

When a car goes over a curb, it invariably destroys a fire-hydrant, which shoots a geyser of water into the air (often the car alarm will then go off).

When a character goes into a bar and orders a beer, he just asks the bartender for a beer. He's never asked what kind of beer, a bottle is simply placed in front of him.

When a character picks up a bottle of whiskey or a pack of cigarettes, the label will always be clearly visible.

When a couple with children is divorcing or fighting the little kid comes to either parent, usually the mother, and asks with quivering lower lip, Mommy, are you and Daddy fighting because of me?

When a detective when tries to speak to someone after a funeral, especially the wife or daughter of the deceased, a large man will inevitably come and hustle that person away into a waiting limo. Sometimes he will say words to the effect of leave them alone, or haven't they suffered enough. Leaving the detective with a regretful, but determined to solve the crime look on his face.

When a drink is thrown in one's face, it doesn't burn the eyes regardless of how high the alcohol content.

When a hacker is accessing a remote computer they always re-route the signal through many different computers so it cannot be traced. This is shown on the monitor by a red line moving from country to country.

When a helicopter is hit by a bullet or rocket, it'll explode immediately if it contains a villain, but if the hero is on board, it will loose power, smoke will come out of the doors, and it'll just reach the ground in time for the hero to get clear then duck just at the moment it explodes.

When a helicopter's engine dies, the main rotor immediately stops and the helicopter drops straight to the ground. If a bad guy is flying, the helicopter disappears in a ball of flame, but good-guy pilots just get out, dust themselves off, and walk away.

When a hero gets a bloody nose, he'll stop bleeding almost immediately.

When a hero is paired with a weak sidekick, that sidekick will invariably save the hero's life at a crucial moment, or show remarkable proficiency with weapons in a key scene.

When a hero suffers through car chases and crashes, he never has to worry about unfelt spinal injury from impact.

When a leading man begins a movie with a full grown beard, there is a 99.9% chance he will be clean shaven by the end, thus becoming a new man.

When a main character has to cross the street (in one of the slower parts of the movie), he/she can always cross the street immediately. Of course, he/she jogs across in order to miss the one car that drives by after they cross.

When a man and a woman paint together, they will amuse themselves buy spilling paint at each other. then they will laugh, pause to look at each other's eyes and then start to kiss passionately.

When a man and a woman spend most part of the film arguing, it means they'll end hopelessly in love one each other.

When a man and a women get in an argument, the women begins to provoke the man, by pushing or verbally abusing him. The man will then say I don't fight girls. The women will then begin to hit him harder, to which he will respond Ok, you're pushing it, lady. Then with one more smack to the head, the man becomes fed up with the female hitting him and proceeds to lunge toward her in a blind rage. Low and behold, the woman is actually an expert in some form of karate and the 105 pound women can easily overpower a 200 pound man.

When a man loses all his money, his girlfriend or wife will invariably leave him. If he refuses to tell her so as not to make her worry, she will find out anyway and leave because she thinks he doesn't trust her. If he tells her right away, she turns out to be money-grubbing and materialistic.

When a party occurs, it is thrown by a non-popular person who doesn't know that so many people will show up and the house will get trashed. Also everyone from the school will show up no matter who they are.

When a phone line is broken or someone hangs up unexpectedly, communication channels can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying "Hello? Hello?".

When a power failure occurs, there's most likely a pregnant woman in the elevator. Of course she will go into labor and an inexperienced man will have to assist.

When a raging river washes over a pickup truck on a bridge, the bridge won't be damaged, the truck won't be swept off the bridge, and people in the open back of the truck won't be swept away.

When a svelte bodied person rides up very dexterously on a motorcycle and is wearing a helmet, they will take it off dramatically and reveal themselves to be a woman.

When a turbine-powered Bell Jet Ranger helicopter is shot at, it's engine coughs and sputters, chugs along for a little while as the helicopter staggers through the air uncertainly, and then crashes using the good/bad pilot algorithm noted above.

When a villain seems dead, he never is. He will always be allowed one, and sometimes two resurrections. The hero will frequently see him coming, even if his back is turned. If he doesn't, a friend will finish the villain off.

When a villain's got the hero cornered, the hero will be ordered to drop his gun, which he does, kicking it to a location within easy reach during the ensuing fistfight.

When a villain is trying to murder someone with a knife, they'll often use just one hand. The victim meanwhile (usually a woman) is using both hands to restrain the villain's arm and keep the knife from stabbing her. But the murderer will NEVER simply use his other hand to take the knife and easily stab the victim.

When a woman goes into labor, someone always asks for white towels and boiled water.

When a woman has just woken up from a night of passionate love-making, the first thing she always does is prance around the house wearing one of his dress shirts and nothing else

When a woman kicks a man in the nuts he grabs his groin, drops to one knee and groans. Recovery is within three seconds. After dropping aforementioned man with the kick, a woman will never think to kick him in the head or jump up and down on his chest until his ribs crack, she will always run away. And get caught.

When a woman takes a bath in a movie, the water is ridiculously high and the tub itself is tall. This is so the woman can comfortably sit upright in the tub without exposing anything.

When an animal magically learns to talk, the first thing the person hearing it says is always You can talk? And the creature always replies “Of course I can!”

When an intruder is in the house, the occupant will sneak along a wall with his back pressed to it tightly and his arms out a bit from his body, palms flat against the wall.

When an investigation hits a dead end the detective will reach light a cigarette, look at the matchbook he lit it with and hey presto it's the matchbook found at crime scene/given to him by murder victim therefore providing him with a vital clue.

When any character wants to get on an elevator, a new lift arrives at precisely the moment the character wants to get on. Also, the higher-ranked characters are dropped off at their respective deck before a lower-ranked character, regardless of the current position of the lift.

When anyone works late, there will be open Chinese food containers scattered around.

When attending a stake out, there is never enough pairs of binoculars to go round, forcing those watching to pass the binoculars between themselves.

When bad guy and good guy pass by a police car during a car chase, the policemen are either standing outside of their car eating fast food or sitting inside drinking coffee. Then they throw food/coffee away and join the chase.

When being attacked, a submarine will at some point fill a torpedo tube with clothes, bits of wood, and other debris and send it to the surface hopefully tricking the skilled crew of a well trained attack ship.

When being chased by a homicidal killer, all victims will run into a place from which there is no escape (i.e the basement, up the stairs, in a car) or into a place where there are lots of sharp items and heavy objects.

When being chased in an urban setting in the daytime, you can always escape by blending into the parade a few blocks over.

When bringing home bags of groceries in a film, it's required that you spill at least one bag full on the kitchen floor.

When calling someone, you only need to let the phone ring two times before determining that no one is home.

When characters buy food from a grocery store, it is always bagged in brown paper bags with no handles, not the ubiquitous plastic bags that are used in supermarkets everywhere.

When chased by bad guys, gunshots will blow out the rear window but the bullets then miraculously evaporate without breaking the front window.

When chasing somebody with a car, you must stop the car, get out and run that extra mile after the suspect before taking him/her down.

When crossing a rotting suspended bridge, with well spaced wooden slats, the slat will always brake when a woman steps on it. Also, it is odd that the wood will rot away long before the vine ropes begin to rot!

When determining the appearance of a villain seen committing a crime, anyone can type his/her characteristics (hair, eyes etc) into a computer to establish a perfect picture of what that person looks like and get an accurate WANTED sign which will be seen posted in the next scene.

When dog tags/lockets get ripped from our hero's neck, instead of him being cut by the chain, it neatly comes apart behind his neck.

When ever a group of people starts dancing, it suddenly appears that strangers know how to make exactly the same moves.

When ever a undercover cop is meeting an informer, he always meets in a stripper club.

When ever the hero is running down a dock there are countless barrels labeled flammable or explosive which are later used to fuel some sort of explosion

When faced with dozens of armed opponents, the good guy will show up and appear to be shot, perhaps dozens of times. He will fall down, and presumably be dead, but will later miraculously turn out to have had the foresight to wear a bulletproof vest, armor plating, or even a silver tray to protect his torso. No one will ever shoot him in the head, where he is unprotected. Afterwards, instead of learning from his extremely good fortune, he throws his protection away, confident that the same situation cannot recur in his movie.

When fast-forwarding a surveillance tape, you must always past the very important part, and then tell the person running the tape to quickly rewind back to it.

When fighting in a boiler room, the valve of a steam line vented to the room will always be within reach of the cornered character who needs it to blind the face of his/her opponent. The live steam will not cause any long-term tissue damage.

When fighting the villain, the more damaged the hero gets, the better he will start fighting and the weaker the villain gets

When fighting under water, it is possible to hit someone really hard.

When foreigners appear in movies (Hispanics in particular) they seem to be able to speak perfect English without making one single mistake except it seems they NEVER manage to learn how to say "Sir" or "Thank you"... they always say "Senor" and "Gracias"

When giving chase in a staircase or a corridor, the baddies always shoot at the corners or the walls, instead of at their human target who is at times running away in front of them.

When hacker uses computer, there often flows fast lot of numbers on the screen and hacker understands them

When hero is missing/breaks up with/fighting with his girl, he invariably will walk slowly through a scenic location devoid of any single people at all, only loving romantic kissing couples.

When illicit sex is interrupted by the woman's husband or father, the male lover will always try to put both feet in a single leg of his pants before escaping out the window, into a closet, etc.

When in hospital the hero/heroine will always, regardless of the nature and severity of the injury, be wired up to a monitoring system displaying an ECG graph and their heart rate will be indicated by little beeps.

When inside a spaceship, you can always the deep rumbling noise of the ship's engines.

When lots of guys fight one man, they attack him one at a time. They never attack him all together. If they do, he finds a way to crawl out the bottom of the pile.

When main heroines are mother and daughter, there is always a scene when mother slaps daughter's face with a hand during an argument.

When men drink whiskey, it is always in a shot glass, and they always drink it in one gulp. If they are wimps, they will gasp for air, then have a coughing fit. If they are macho, they will wince briefly, flashing clenched teeth.

When misleading a good character, a villain always smiles charmingly to their face, but then, for the benefit of the audience, make a sudden serious expression as soon as they are not looking. They don't seem to worry that the good guy might look up again and see their sinister intentions written all over their face.

When Morse Code is used, the interpreter will call out words as they are being sent, rather than letters. Furthermore, a single word is represented by a few "beeps", and all words are sent at the same rate, no matter how long the word is. Example:
beep-beep-be-beep...
"Help..."
be-be-beep beep...
"Us..."
beep-be-be-beep beep...
"We're..."
beep beep-be-beep...
"Surrounded..."
be-beep beep beep...
"Send..."
be-be-be-beep beep...
"Reinforcements..."
beep be-beep beep...
"Hurry..."
etc.

When movie people drive at night, they are always nicely and consistently lighted from some mysterious source. There is never the rhythmic change one gets when passing street lights, for example.

When one character is pursuing another (good guy after bad or vice versa) and they reach the elevator just before it closes, they never stick their hand in the door so it will automatically open back up, nor do they press the call button to get the door to open.

When parachuting, it is possible to stop at the door or ramp and have a little conversation with the jumpmaster without missing the drop zone.

When parents return home to surprisingly find their children having a party, the needle will immediately scratch across the entire surface of the record before the music goes off.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill -- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

When people aim a rifle with binocular-sight at someone on a very long distance, they manage to keep them in the bull's-eye all the time even if they move around.

When people are playing chess, one says always check and the other one always checkmate.

When people are tied up in the movies, which is usually loosely and incompetently, they can't escape without finding some convenient device to burn or cut through the ropes. There is always a convenient device at hand. If the method involves burning the ropes, the person's hands will be tied at least a foot apart.

When people film their friends and family in the movies, there is always a flashing red light in one corner and it is always jerky and full of clear head shots.

When people stay late at their offices, they aren't allowed to use the overhead lights but must make do with a desk lamp, which is never present during daytime hours.

When people steal boats to make a getaway, the weather is always perfect as are the boating conditions.

When people switch a light off, it will still be possible to see everything in the room, just in a slightly subdued/bluish color.

When phone-calls are traced you can see a map on the screen with a beam closing in on the caller, and the caller always knows how long he can talk before he has to hang up to not be traced down. He always manages to say everything perfectly timed for 2 minutes.

When police are guarding a room of an injured bad guy, they always goof it up and allow the bad guy to escape.

When running, the bad guy always knocks people over, no matter how much room they have

When searching through microfiche, you are guaranteed to find at least 95 articles on the subject in question

When sleeping characters get phone calls in the middle of the night, they turn on the light in the room before picking up the phone, though people should be familiar enough with their own houses to just reach over and pick up the phone in the dark, and likely wouldn't want to turn on a bright light.

When somebody says "After all, what else could happen?"...Something else always happens.

When someone dies, usually a good guy, he will struggle to deliver his dying words. (You...must...avenge...me!) Then he will suddenly slump, which means he is dead. His companions will then yell his name and shake him two or three times before realizing he is dead.

When someone goes into a Pawn Shop to pawn something, instead of taking cash, always end up saying how much for the gun?

When someone hangs up on you, always stare in shock into the receiver before putting it back.

When someone is at the door, the people inside can have a long conversation or get ready for a long time while the person at the door will never ring the doorbell twice.

When someone is dying, the first thing you must do is get someone a glass of water and force them to drink it.

When someone is playing a video game (Nintendo, Gameboy, PS2), the sounds are usually from 20 years ago and sound like Pacman or Donkey Kong on an Atari 2600.

When someone is punched really hard in a fistfight, they will spin around one or more times and fall over onto a table; this is almost always a pedestal-base table, and the top will flip up off the base. If no pedestal-base table is available, they will land in the buffet.

When someone lights a match in a dark old house (etc) and the single match has as much power as a 1000 watt bulb! Alternatively, they light a match, and then light an old oil lamp which has a vast amount of power.

When someone on a Cell Phone gets hung up on, they immediately hear a dial tone.

When someone opens the drug cabinet looking for something, they throw everything on the floor.

When someone's in bed and hears a sound outside, he'll get up and turn the lights on before looking out of a window, even if this usually guarantees that he'll never be able to see anything going on.

When speeding cars hit a parked car, they fly up into the air while the parked car doesn't even wiggle

When stealing a car, always flip down the sun visor, this is the best place to find a spare set of keys.

When superheroes like Batman or Robocop use high technology to protect themselves, the bad guys never take advantage of obvious weaknesses, such as no face protection.

When the bells rings and all the students leave the classroom, the teacher will always shout something as everyone is leaving, like "Don't forget your essays" and "bring back those papers tomorrow", and will then write something on the board as a student comes to talk to her about a private matter.

When the cop or detective finally narrows the list down to the final suspect (Which has been right under his nose), he never just says, Lets go get him instead he draws it out with some phrase like, I think its time we paid a little visit to our good friend...

When the damsel in distress or the weakling good guy gets brave and tries to stop the bad guy they always come from behind, jump on the villains back, try to choke him, but of course, get knocked down because the hero is the only person who can beat the villain; not the weakling, or damsel in distress

When the drug dealer decides to sample a big bag of cocaine ,he always sticks his knife right through the bag and withdraws enough to sample, oblivious of the fact that the rest will spill through the hole.

When the expectant mother tells the father It's time to have the baby, the overly-excited father always rushes off in the car to the hospital forgetting the expectant mother at home.

When the female character is about to be injured, her movements became slow motioned so that the hero will have plenty of time do save her.

When the hero assumes the monster is dead he/she, to get past the monster, always has to walk near or directly over it (which makes it easy for the monster to grab the hero's ankles as they walk by).

When the hero chases the villain (or vice versa), the two often wind up in some warehouse. While moving around the crates and boxes, they invariably have a profound conversation.

When the Hero dire prediction is proven correct, the supervisor will apologize and then sacrifice him/herself to save others

When the hero faces a ridiculously large number of shooters with high powered weapons, they will all miss after several shots. Then, the hero will pulls out this gun that looks like a toy and start picking off the bad guys from half a mile away, usually hitting them in the forehead.
When the hero is knocked out, he won't get a concussion or brain damage. People hit on the head will not throw up.

When the hero is smashed over the head he will suffer no permanent brain injury and will awaken with a beautiful woman patting him on the head with a damp cloth.

When the hero walks into a bar/nightclub/disco, there are always female strippers there. And they are always filmed close up, often with much focus on the lower half of their bodies. The hero will never look at these women, as he's there to meet some informer or bad guy. The informer / bad guy will always stare at the strippers, wide-eyed and drooling.

When the hero/heroine finds evidence incriminating the villain they will not go to the police right away. As a matter of fact, they'll go right to the villain's place (or catch him on the street often with henchmen) with the evidence and loudly pronounce that this is the one and only piece of evidence they found that incriminates the villain. Kidnapping and/or attempted or actual murder will immediately result and the evidence will be lost forever.

When the main character glimpses a ghost, or a person whom is supposed to be dead, he or she will say nothing, but wear a puzzled expression. This will invariably prompt a companion to say Are you alright ? You look like you've just seen a ghost

When the main characters of a film walk onto a dance floor, the other people on the floor will inevitably form a circle around them.

When the Police car crashes it always emits one last pitiful wail from the siren before petering out.

When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

When the Radar sweep passes a blip, the Radar set beeps.

When the underlings approach their big organized crime boss, he will often be lying beside a swimming pool with a towel over him, being massaged by a young, attractive woman who is always using the chopping method of massage on his back.

When the villain runs out of bullets, he'll throw away his gun. When the hero does so, he'll conveniently come across another.

When the Villain becomes frustrated at the competence of the hero, they are sure to use the phrase "Who the hell is this guy?". Upon further investigation by the villain or the government, they will discover he is a highly decorated Ex-US Special Forces commando most likely discharged for striking his incompetent superior officer.

When there's an intruder somewhere in the house, the thing that jumps at the heroine in the dark turns out to be her cat, even if it comes from places cats wouldn't be, like inside a cupboard! As soon as she relaxes, the killer will show up and strangle her.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

When two snipers face each other in battle, the good sniper will always shoot the bad sniper through the scope of his own weapon.

When women take showers, it's so hot that you can't distinguish anything in the bathroom from the concentrated clouds of vapor.

When women wanted to have sex in the 1940´s they leaned on doorframes.

When you are alone in the back seat of the car, make sure you sit in the middle.

When you are in a high-rise building, you are always in the floor that is eye-level with the gigantic monster who is after you.

When you crash an alien spacecraft into the high desert because you were hurtled back through the earth's atmosphere by an atomic blast you set off, the fact that you do not have a parachute or any other visible means of slowing your fall does not mean that you should not walk away from the wreckage completely unscathed and straight into your girl's arms

When you cut the wire to the detonator, the timer will stop. You will not be able to do this, however, until only one second remains.

When you drive a car, you can always recognize all the persons you know that pass you in the opposite direction.

When you go to rob a bank in a film, you will always choose the teller who has just started his or her first day on the job.

When you hack a computer, the digits 010101 will scroll across your screen, & a huge skull sign will appear.

When you miss an elevator it is important to pound the doors hard with an open hand to show frustration.

When you throw a knife, the blade will always be the first thing to hit the target

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

When you use a movie taxi don't ever give any change. Drivers won't know what to do with it. Just say "thank you" when you pay a bill, reach into your pocket without looking, take out whatever note is in it - it will just fit.

When your sidekick, lover, or similar acquaintance is on the verge of dying, don't call an ambulance; instead hold her warmly and whisper words of comfort, or kiss her passionately. Theoretically she may not be much into it under the circumstances, but hey, it may be your last chance! Then, when she relaxes or slumps over visibly, you can say your tearful good-bye to her, because this means she is dead. Alternately, if she is already slumped over when you get to her, check her pulse, but if the resulting music is soft and slow, don't bother trying CPR. If she doesn't like this treatment better than a chance to save her life, don't worry; it's not like she will be able to do anything about it!

Whenever a big secret or evil admission is realized in a restroom, there will always be someone in one of the stalls. This person will make no sounds related to normal restroom functionality (including the rattle of the paper dispenser or the sounds of re-girding one's trousers), despite having been seated in the stall for at least as long as the dramatic dialogue. They will heighten the suspense with a tell-tale flush and emerge, peering quizzically or disappointedly at the character who revealed the nasty secret.

Whenever a car crashes and explodes (which hardly ever happens in real life anyway) there is always one wheel that rolls away from the wreckage. Occasionally, this wheel is burning.

Whenever a car is hot wired, the wires are always pre-stripped and it usually takes touching the wires twice before it will start.

Whenever a character is on the run from authorities, and he is driving, the moment he turns on the car radio the news are going to come and you'll hear something like this: authorities are searching for........

Whenever a character looks at a video display unit, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.

Whenever a character stumbles onto a crime scene, they always pick up the murder weapon (gun, knife, etc.), making them the prime suspect.

Whenever a coldhearted hit man gets a job to kill a woman he will always fall in love with her and defy whoever it was who hired him to kill her. He will then, either kill the guy who hired him, or take all his money and run off with his new lady.

Whenever a computer guy tries to explain what he's tryng to do (or did), the villain will interrupt him and say "Spare me the techno-babble".

Whenever a computer isn't working properly, simply bang on the monitor or frantically keep pressing the same key over and over. Talking to the computer works too.

Whenever a computer receives too much information it will go bezerk immediately starting to overheat. An explosion on the panel will ensue.

Whenever a defense attorney has an important criminal case, he is able to find a parking space immediately in front of the court house

Whenever a detective (private eye, cop) pays a visit to the villain and confronts him with some sort of evidence the bad guy invariably says, I don't know what you're talking about. Also, as soon as the detective leaves bad guy will pick up phone and a) tell his henchmen to get rid of the problem or b) call his superior in which case his superior will tell him to get rid of the problem.

Whenever a flight crew is disabled and an inexperienced non pilot has to take over, the first button or lever touched will always cause the plane to instantly nosedive until frantic instruction corrects the cruising level. No inexperienced replacement pilot will ever fail to land safely (with help from the control tower), although running off the runway and stopping inches from a fence, oil storage tank or crowded concourse is standard.

Whenever a group of soldiers are to search a complex, their commanding officer always let's them 'split up', so that the bad guys will be able to pick them off one at a time

Whenever a guy with glasses has to say something important they always take off their glasses.

Whenever a hero and a villain are facing off, the villain always manages to find a hostage and makes the hero put down his gun.

Whenever a hero rips off their sleeve and ties it around a wounded limb, no matter how tight they tie it, it never affects the circulation in the lower parts of the limb.

Whenever a hero runs out of ammo there will be plenty of time for him to reload whilst the villain waits to shoot him. The villain however will run out of ammo and be shot immediately by the good guy.

Whenever a hero tries to go to a party or go on vacation, something near the hero will always interfere and/or ruin the vacation (such as a plane getting hijacked, terrorists take over a building, etc.).

Whenever a hideout is raided by the police. a group of four gangsters sitting in the corner playing poker will stand up, knocking the table over in the process, and reach for their guns.

Whenever a house is on top of a hill with dark clouds and thunder, there is going to be trouble.

Whenever a kid is alone at home he acts like a complete slob. Spilling stuff and not even noticing, mixing ammonia with bleach, sticking gum on furniture, etc.

Whenever a man is in a hospital with his face cover in bandages, no matter how long his face is bandaged, when the bandages are finally removed there's no facial hair growth whatsoever.

Whenever a movie character is told about a death, the standard response is I'm sorry

Whenever a movie character is under intense stress, he or she will drink alcohol (usually whisky) straight from the bottle.

Whenever a movie is based in a city the opening titles will start with a flyby/flyover of the city either at dawn or night.

Whenever a person has a porno movie, the title is always a parody of another real movie (such as "Lorenzo's Oil Massage" or whatever).

Whenever a plan is explained out loud, something will go wrong.

Whenever a satellite camera picture is viewed, the sky is invariably cloudless.

Whenever a time is being emphasized by focusing on the bedside digital clock, it must feature the minute display increasing by one.

Whenever a villain has captured the hero, he will pause for 5 minutes to tell the hero every detail of his plan to destroy and/or rule the earth, including times, dates, and addresses.

Whenever a woman announces to her husband/boyfriend that she's pregnant, it comes as a complete surprise to him, whether pleasantly or otherwise.

Whenever a woman is dressed improperly she just rips off the sleeves or half of the skirt and still looks as if she Whenever a woman is dressed improperly she just rips off the sleeves or half of the skirt and still looks as if she were wearing Gucci.

Whenever a woman is given a necklace/bracelet/pair of earrings etc. she is always able to put them on immediately. She is never actually wearing a necklace/bracelet/pair of ear-rings at that moment, even though she is already in full evening wear.

Whenever action takes place on a stopped conveyor belt, someone will trip a switch, sending all to some horrendous doom (saw, rock crusher, etc) at the end of the belt.

Whenever an alarm clock rings, the sleeper will grope blindly for it and end up knocking it onto the floor.

Whenever anyone arranges to meet someone, they never need to make exact arrangements, they either make a time to meet but not specify a place, or they suggest a place to meet but not specify a time.

Whenever anyone frantically unplugs an appliance--TV, toaster, etc.--there is always a spark from the socket as the plug comes out (evidently to reinforce that there was actually power to the device).

Whenever anyone in a movie is playing on a Playstation or similar, a sibling or parent will always either yank the controls out or turn the TV off by the remote. The first person will then be terribly depressed, even though they could just plug the controls back in or turn the TV on again.

Whenever anyone is chased to a staircase, s/he will run upstairs rather than down.

Whenever anyone knocks out anyone else and takes their clothes, it's always a flawless fit.

Whenever anyone scans through a videotape or audio tape on home equipment you can hear the audio portion of the tape being fast forwarded or rewound.

Whenever guy is mopping in the background of a scene, he mops the same bit of floor over and over.

Whenever people are fighting in a sleazy motel room, there are always doors between the rooms, the fighters will bust through that door, and there will always be two people in the next room, right in the middle of having sex, despite all the screams and/or gunshots that have been coming from the next room

Whenever people go to someone's house and ring the doorbell or knock, they never give people time to answer the door. They usually ringing the doorbell, then impatiently ring it again 2 seconds later. They then start banging frantically on the door, or start walking away until someone finally comes to the door.

Whenever searching a database, every picture from every record (such as a mug shot) will flash by until the correct match is found. Also when you are searching for a fingerprint match, the computer will provide you with great graphics while you wait.

Whenever searching a database, messages like "No Record Found" always flash in red and beep.

Whenever some is brought into an emergency room, they always have a subdural hematoma.

Whenever somebody is about to commit suicide, someone else always yells No! just before the act.

Whenever someone (usually a woman) falls asleep on a couch there will always be a blanket nearby to throw over them.

Whenever someone calls someone else & says 'Have you got your TV on?' or 'are you watching this?', the other person's TV is always on the right channel when they turn it on, despite not having been told what channel to look at.

Whenever someone falls off of a cliff or building, no matter how much damage they take beforehand, they scream, even if they were shot through the lungs twenty or thirty times, or were apparently unconscious.

Whenever someone hears something they don't like, or don't understand, over the phone, they always hold it out at arm's length and look at it with surprise, amazement, or shock on their faces.

Whenever someone hits another in a bar is an excuse to everyone automatically start to fight, too.

Whenever someone in a movie receives a present, they never unwrap it. It's always in one of those pre-wrapped boxes where all they have to do it take the lid off.

Whenever someone in a remote town in the Southern US is trying to escape from the sheriff, banjo and fiddle music is usually playing. And when they cross the county line, the sheriff chasing them screeches to a halt (with the police car veering 90 degrees), he gets out of the car, and throws his hat on the ground in frustration.

Whenever someone is involved in a high-speed chase on a motorway/highway, the cars in front are always uniformly spaced and travelling at an even 50 mph, to allow easy swerving in and out among them.

Whenever someone is receiving e-mail, there will be a floating envelope on the otherwise blank screen, or some other flashy graphic message (You've Got Mail!) to indicate that e-mail has been received.

Whenever someone is told not to look down when he or she is at a great height, he or she will either have looked down already or look down anyway.

Whenever someone looks through the binoculars, you see two joined circles instead of one.

Whenever someone lovingly or respectfully moves to close the eyes of a recently deceased friend/love interest/partner, actual contact with the eyelids or eyelashes is unnecessary - a mere passing of the hand over the eyes causes the eyes to close on their own.

Whenever someone offers something to someone else by holding it out for a few seconds, almost invariably the person will suddenly jerk it away and add some sort of clause or condition before letting them take it the second time. The longer the delay in the other person taking it the more likely it is that it will be jerked away.

Whenever someone reviews surveillance video taken from a preceding scene, the camera angle is never high above the actors, it's right up close, and looks a lot like the angle the film camera used when shooting the picture. Additionally, the audio is always crisp and clear, there's no background noise, because all security cameras come equipped with boom mikes.

Whenever someone turns on the radio they always turn it on right as a song is starting.

Whenever someone wants to learn something about anything, all they have to do is listen at a door or window and just then are the people talking about what the person wants to know.

Whenever the driver realizes he's low on gas, he taps the gas gauge.

Whenever the good lawyer asks a crazy question to a witness, and the bad lawyer objects, the judge always overrules, then says this better be good or i want to see where you're going with this.

Whenever the hero asks his female companion if she knows how to use a gun she takes the weapon from his hand and sets it up and uses it properly like she's done it all her life.

Whenever the hero becomes of interest to the media, he is seen to exit a building and be instantly surrounded by 500 media all pointing microphones and cameras and - very important - all shouting questions at the same time, thus rendering every question inaudible. When the hero's lawyer holds up a hand and says 'We have no comment at this time', all the reporters immediately fall quiet and go away.

Whenever the hero is downloading/copying/transferring data he/she always finishes a split second before bad guys arrive.

Whenever the villain is disarmed, the hero always nobly allows them to retrieve their weapon. If the hero drops his weapon the villain always tries to skewer him

Whenever there is a car chase and a car goes down an alley, there is a huge pile of empty boxes, a ramp for the car to flip, and a delivery van is backing up.

Whenever there is a car chase through a city, it is almost guaranteed that one of the cars will plow through either a flower cart or a fruit stand.

Whenever there is a fight or commotion going on in the upstairs of a house, the person downstairs won't hear a thing because the noise of gunshots, chairs falling over, screams etc will be totally masked by the following sounds; the phone ringing, the washing machine beginning its spin cycle, the dog barking, a drink is mixed in the blender, or the maid beginning the vacuum cleaning.

Whenever there is a lucky charm in a movie (bracelet, shoe, ring etc.) the character use it extensively. Then when they need it most (final game, etc.) they will lose it but find the skill inside themselves.

Whenever there is a traffic jam in a film all drivers seem to insist on repeatedly beeping their car horns.

Whenever there is an airplane with a made-up company name, it WILL crash. Real planes are always saved.

Whenever we see a session of the General Assembly of the UN, the representatives are always dressed in their national uniforms - long dresses, funny looking hats, military insignia, etc.

Whenever you see someone driving, even on straight and smooth roads, they are sawing at the wheel hard enough to be running an obstacle course. The car doesn't swerve at all, of course. The amount of excess wheel-twisting is independent of speed.

Whenever you'll see a neon sign, like hotel, one of the letters (for example the letter e) will, for a very short moment, make a buzzing sound and will flicker. This happens especially when you're in a bad neighborhood.

Where there is an abusive husband and a pregnant wife, they will always live in a home with stairs. The husband will push the wife down the stairs, causing her to lose the baby. The next scene will always be the woman in a hospital bed with an oxygen tube in her nose.

Whichever tree branch the hero has perched on, the villain will invariably pause under.

While a trial is going on, lawyers for either side may freely meet with the judge alone without the other side's knowledge.

White characters have the best survival rate.

Woman always raise their back leg when they are kissing a man.

Woman falls to the ground whilst being chased by a bad guy, even when running over level, unobstructed terrain. Note that when a man and woman are being chased, usually the woman falls, then the man pauses and helps her up.

Women (and men less often) either make love with their underclothes on or have put them back on in the immediate aftermath.

Women also scream or make some other noise at the precise moment the villain is close enough to hear.

Women always fight other movie women by pulling hair, falling to ground together, rolling over twice.

Women always have to be rescued by the hero, even if they're champion/ expert this or that.

Women always stand and watch the cars that are about to run them over, OR the bad-guys that are about to shoot them (even if there's cover close by).

Women always stuff their fist(s) in their mouths when terrified.

Women are always too hysterical to do what the hero instructs. He has to elp/force her/knock her out.

Women are immortal unless they take off their shirts or they're ugly.

Women being chased always hide and then get up again only three seconds after the villain has walked past instead of staying down for a sensible ten minutes

Women don't need to go to the bathroom when they get up but will shower frequently.

Women never lose at strip poker, unless it's a porno movie.

Women not only have to be pulled along, they do not have enough sense to run and keep running unless a man touches her elbow, holds her hand or puts his arm around her shoulders.

Women often undress in front of an open window so that the neighbor can look out his window and see.

Women run with their high heels on, but then stop to take them off after one of them breaks.

Women stand wide-eyed, hand to mouth, while hero battles villain. Women never thinks to clonk villain with handy object. Counterpoint: If woman does clonk, she always hits hero instead.

Women staying in a haunted house should investigate any strange noises while wearing their most revealing underwear.

Women wear make-up to bed, and wake up with hair and face completely intact.

Women who give birth are perfectly made up afterwards

Women will always have a perfect make-up and hair, even when waking them up in the middle of the night or after a sleepless night, etc,.

Women will always have shaved legs and armpits, even in caveman movies.

Women will be worrying about their nails or dresses while people are trying to kill them.

Women's skin and hair can't be damaged by natural disasters, though their clothing can be shredded -- except for the bits required for minimal decency, which are made from completely indestructible fabric.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

Word processors never display a cursor.

Yes, aliens frequently speak fluent English. However, like robots and monsters who speak English, they never use contractions.

You also never have to look up a phone number, for anyone.

You can almost talk casually to all your skydiving friends on the way down.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

You can always perform a computer search by typing your request in normal English, even in foreign countries.

You can always tell if a patient has died when the doctor comes out to talk to the family/friends/spouse. If we can't hear what the doctor tells them, the patient has croaked.

You can always tell which nationality the United States and the popular media are currently most unhappy with because that nation sends all their villains to star in Hollywood movies during those times (e.g. Germans in the late 40's and 50's, Asians in the 60's and 70's, Soviets in the 70's and 80's and Middle Easterners in the 90's).

You can eat as much as you want in a film and you'll never EVER have to go to the bathroom.

You can gain accesss to any building in the world, not matter how tough the security, by dressing as a workman and carrying a toolbox.

You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard

You can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS".

You can kill the bad guy by taking careful note of any object that the camera has lingered on for an unnecessarily length of time; typically this is something like a meat hook or a jagged bit of glass. You will be involved in a mighty struggle, and at the appropriate time you can become inspired (usually by either an insult from the bad guy or a look of faith from your love interest) with strength enough to force the bad guy into/onto/under/in front of the aforementioned object. Actor's Equity (Hollywood) requires that within 15 seconds either side of the bad guy's demise, you utter your trademark phrase.

You can learn martial arts in a couple of weeks if your teacher is really old and speaks in riddles.

You can never un-jam a weapon by just pulling back the bolt and rechambering another round, 'though that will work 99 times out of 100 in real life.

You can only electrocute someone while you are looking directly at them.

You can only threaten someone with a gun if you are within arm's reach of them.

You can see the Eiffel Tower from every window in Paris.

You can stop a runaway car by crashing it into a wall at the bottom of a long hill, but not at the top.

You can tell an alcoholic by the fact that he always has one side of his shirt un-tucked.

You do not always need to look forward while driving. The car will steer itself if necessary.

You got plenty of time up there, often a couple of minutes.

You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

You will always be able to backwind the tape precisely to the beginning of the segment you want to see again.

You will only encounter a non-working payphone if you are being chased by a serial killer.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war, unless you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Larry King plays himself.

If you have sex in the woods, you will die in the woods.

Listening to the radio in the kitchen inevitably leads to an uncontrollable urge to dance, and to use a mop or a nearby utensil as a microphone. This is also the most likely time for unexpected visitors.

Little children that swear are responded to with a shocked but amused smile. They are never punished. Somehow it becomes wrong when they continue this language in their teen years.

Little league teams in movie land still use bats made of wood while every other little league team is forced to use aluminum bats.

Locks: Any lock can be opened with a credit card or hairpin.

Losing a hand causes the stump of your arm to grow six inche

Machine gun fire (even from multiple shooters) can easily be avoided simply running in a perpendicular pattern to the shooter(s), and jumping/flipping in the air.

Machine guns submerged underwater for a long time won't jam or misfire when the hero pops up to use them. (see any Rambo movie)

Magical forces cluster in the visible portion of the electromagnetic spectrum.

Major characters never run out of ammunition, nor do they ever have to reload. (If the movie _does_ make them reload, they never have to actually carry any spare ammo until that scene)

Male actors always keep their socks on when going to bed.

Male characters generally are cold-natured. They need to wear jeans and leather jackets when the female characters are comfortable in cutoffs and a halter top.

Man will then continue to run with woman, holding her by the hand or preferably upper arm, even though this takes them both below the speed either one could make on their own.

Many detectives are recruited directly from the police academy, therefore accounting for youthful "seasoned detectives".

Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

Many police chiefs are in constant contact with their city's mayor who will often "chew their ass" about a single criminal investigation out of the thousands going on in a city

Many times when a woman/girl is depressed, she takes a round box of ice-cream from the freezer and eats it straight from the box.

Medieval peasants always have filthy faces, tangled hair, ragged clothing - and perfect, gleaming white teeth.

Medieval peasants always have filthy faces, tangled hair, ragged clothing.

Meek movie characters (mostly men) lose control of their bladder during a moment of surprise, fright or disgust, usually for comedic effect. This is seen with a wet spot on the front of their pants, or a growing yellow pool under their shoes.

Men on rafts, jungles, deserts or other extended duty don't have to carry razors because their beards don't grow. Counterpoint: Unless they drink, in which case 3-day stubble appears in 3 hrs.

Menstruation is an unknown phenomenon in movies. Female movie characters are all immune from it.

Middle class American suburbs are all apparently served by a kid on a bicycle who delivers the newspapers by flinging them expertly at the front doors while riding by without stopping.

Mimes are either evil or are the innocent victim of somebody's rampage.

Minorities such as Native Americans or Asians will always have some sort of mystical knowledge or innate fighting skill. For example, the Native American always knows the course of events to come from some sign in nature, and Asians are all born with Martial Arts skills they can use to battle the bad guys.

Molecular biology is greatly simplified by the fact that normally invisible substances (such as fatal viruses and their antidotes) are color coded.

Money: In a restaurant, when the woman leaves after fighting with her man, he will toss a couple of notes on the table without checking the bill. Same thing in bars. There is never a problem with change. Same thing in hotels and taxis.

More murders always happen during the investigation of the first one. The last living suspect is the murderer.

More often than not, the best method to revive somebody after their heart has stopped, assuming that there has already been a lengthy attempt to revive them with CPR, those electric zapper things, ect., is screaming at them something like: "You never backed away from everything in your life, now fight! Fight! FIIIIGHT!" or "You can't do this to me! I love you, goddammit!".

Most babies are born clean, with perfectly shaped heads and dry hair

Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.

Most dogs are immortal.

Most elevator shafts and wires are clean and dust/grease free, and there's plenty of light so that the hero neither gets dirty nor needs a flashlight or some other equipment to see.

Most grenades explode after 3 to 5 seconds. But when grenades are tossed into the area where the hero is trapped, they will take 30 seconds to explode, giving the hero time to formulate an escape plan.

Most homicide detectives are brooding, near-crazed loners, most likely divorced or widowed, borderline alcoholics. Of course, there are more respectable-looking detectives, but they are inept and not nearly as tough as their mentally-troubled colleagues.

Most Indian tribes have at least one member who speaks fluent English, albeit with an accent.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to handle realtime videophone contact, and can override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings, especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

Most word processors will open with the document you want already on screen unless said document is secret/desperately needed.

Motorcycle engines in movies can inexplicably change from 4-stroke Otto cycle to 2-stroke cycle operation.

Motorcycles usually change from Harley Davidson choppers when engaged in highway operations to Yamaha Dirt bikes when operated off-road. Police Harleys will morph into Triumph Bonnevilles when operating in tight quarters.

Movie cars have all excellent brakes and can come to a full stop from 80 MPH (with loud screeches, even on dirt roads) in 20 ft.

Movie character never make typing mistakes.

Movie characters driving in the city will get to park wherever they like when they get to their destination.

Movie characters never have to struggle to unwrap their Christmas and birthday presents. The lid is always wrapped separately from the bottom of the box.

Movie characters never suffer from motion sickness.

Movie characters rarely need anything in excess of a second to read complex documents (in case of spy films) and to memorize all the necessary information. Sometimes a quick glance is even enough.

Movie characters' suitcases are always weightless when they have to carry them.

Movie cops have no idea what it is like to be married to a cop. Consequently their wives/girlfriends/ex-wives must point this out: "Do you know what it's like to be married to a cop? Not to know when they leave the house in the morning if you're going to see them again that night?".

Movie drunks always begin to hiccup.

Movie elevators are always ready at that floor. But if the hero/heroine is being chased, elevator won't come.

Movie funerals are never indoors services, instead they take place at the burial site

Movie garbage: If sifted through, consists primarily of paper, coffee grounds, egg shells, and banana peels. If knocked over, contains cans, and bottles.

Movie gunmen never lock and load their weapons when anticipating a life-or-death confrontation. Oh they have their weapons drawn, but not charged with a round in the chamber. They usually (always when carrying a pump-action shotgun) wait until they confront their quarry to slam a round into the chamber with a dramatic ca-chunking noise.

Movie heroes in a bar will either order strong alcoholic drinks and swallow them down like iced tea or will ask for milk. The latter will always provoke sarcastic remarks and a fight will ensue.

Movie passengers either don't pay cabs at all, or have the exact change. Same is true in restaurants. Checks are always designed to be 15 percent under the bills the male costomer has in his hands first.

Movie people can get cabs instantly, unless they are in danger, whereupon no cab can be found

Movie people will never run from danger unless the hero yells "Run".
Movie people always smile with delight when a dog licks there face.

Movie timing is always exact. If a phone trace will take two minutes, for example, you can be sure that that means 120 seconds, not a fraction more or less. Same for bombs, amount of time to get to a destination, etc.

Movies set in New Orleans contain most of the following: 1. Mardi Gras (lasts 365 days per year), 2. A funeral procession with a jazz band, 3. A voodoo queen, 4. A chicken, 5. A folksy lawyer with suspenders, 6. A shot of a French Quarter balcony, 7. A boat chase in a bayou

Murderers almost always show up a the funeral, no matter how small, unless they have been arrested. The villain will always say something snide to the hero at this time.

Native musicians are highly skilled, and can make simple instrumental bands sound like a full light orchestra.

Natural disasters only occur after the local mayor scoffs at the possibility.

Never get on an airplane that has 1) a pregnant woman 2) a child traveling by itself 3) a priest or nun. The flight is going down.

New replacements always get killed before you can even learn their names.

NEW requirement: all automatic pistols must be held sideways in order to be fired.

New York and LA seem to have the prime real estate for villains.

Newborn babies can babble, crawl, and hold their heads steady.

Newspaper headlines never adhere to general newspaper design style regarding justification, capitalization or punctuation.

No child can ever be killed...even if they're electrocuted on a high-voltage electric fence that could kill a dinosaur (Jurassic Park)

No children understand the concept of death. If one of their parents dies they will assume that he or she is living in another country or in the clouds.

No debris will ever fall from a ceiling after a gun is fired upward into it.

No gun will ever jam or misfire after a quick-draw.

No matter how advanced the spaceship and its ability to travel at greater than light speed, it always takes ages for the doors to open once they land on Earth.

No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged

No matter how close the hero is to an exploding bomb, He or she can always outrun the explosion.

No matter how competent or brave the heroic policeman is, the villain is always able to cut loose and flee for a while.

No matter how dead you think you've killed a bad guy, he can still get up at least 3 more times. Therefore, always make sure to leave his gun in or near his hand after you've killed him and you turn away to comfort the girl.

No matter how long the chase, no matter how out of shape the participants might be, no one will be out of breath for more than a few seconds.

No matter how much you beat the hero, he always gets stronger from the beating. This leads to a pattern: Villain beats mercilessly, hero beats mercilessly, villain beats mercilessly once again, hero beats villain again. Villain then beats up hero very weakly before being killed/knocked out by the hero.

No matter how near you are to an explosion, if you drop flat (or jump on top of someone else to protect them or break your fall...) you will survive.

No matter how ugly a teenager is, he or she can look gorgeous if another teenager cuts their hair and buys them new clothes.

No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

No matter what year/century the movie is set in, what weapons may be available or how many other fights may have already occurred, the movie cannot be resolved without a fist fight between the baddie and the hero.

No monster-killing stratagem can be used more than once, even if it only failed through some bizarre fluke. Neither can it be refined and tried again. You have to start over with a completely different approach.

No movie character will ever use a .22-caliber weapon.

No movie character will ever use or refer to a safety on any firearm.

No one dies in an elevated position without falling from there to the ground, even if they have to jump to do it.

No one ever aims at the legs of a monster that's chasing them. They just keep running away, pausing every now and then to pump bullets into its torso, until it overtakes and kills them.

No one ever coughs, unless they are in a situation in which coughing will give away their position.

No one ever runs out of gas (even in long car chases). Corollary: every stolen car has a full gas tank and gets great gas mileage.

No one fumbles for car keys right before a car chase. they always jump right in and start the car up because they've left the keys in the ignition. Not a great idea in any major city.

No one in movies ever has to do their taxes and they never talk about it either.

No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

No one is in labor for hours and hours... they pop out babies in a matter of minutes.

No one runs out of gas unless they are being chased by a serial killer.

No one will shoot the hero and the battle will even come to a stand still while the hero cries in agony and curse that "it should've been him" when his best friend steps on the land mine/get blown up/ dies charging the machine gun nest. The battle will resume as soon as the hero gets over his grief and gets angry. The hero will be victorious within 45 seconds of becoming angry.

No ship, base, or compound ever has more than one emergency radio.

Nobody being given a cup of coffee will actually drink more than two sips.

Nobody notices that a woman wearing glasses is beautiful until she removes them.

Nobody will die on a balcony--they all seem to have enough momentum or a last-second burst of energy to fling themselves over the railing so that they can experience a spectacular fall.

Not only do movie cars always park right in front, but they are never locked. Even convertibles with their tops down, in NYC, are still there hours later.

Notepads and paper are always yellow.

Nurses call doctors "doctor" and doctors call nurses "nurse" - never using their real names.

Objections will only be sustained if the attorney making the objections stands up and pounds the table with righteous anger or other dramatic displays of indignity.

Often when a character watches a home video in a movie (usually of someone who's now dead), there's a little REC in the corner and a white frame around the picture, as though they're watching a tape of the viewfinder.

On a submarine, there is always friction between the captain and the executive officer.

On airplanes, during turbulence, the cabin lights always seem to flicker.

On many surveillance tapes the camera automatically follows the subject and even zooms in his action.

On starry nights, particularly in romance movies, there will always be at least one shooting star.

On the last day of school, it is required you bust open the doors, run out and jump the flight of stairs while simultaneously throwing all of your papers on the floor.

On the way to the hospital, if the husband turns to tell his wife that they are in a traffic jam, the baby will immediately start to come out.

Once a character has flipped up the long range site on his rifle, he will always make his next shot.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -- even while scuba diving.

Once the Villain kills the hero's mentor, the inexperienced hero will defeat the villain with ease.

One accidental blow to the head will cause amnesia. The only cure for it is another accidental blow to the head.

One man shooting at twenty men has a better chance of killing them all than twenty men firing at one.

One of a pair of identical twins is evil

Only geeks have bad breath and are seen using mouth spray.

Only men are alcoholics. Any hopeless alcoholic can quit drinking when faced with an important challenge. The instant the alcoholic stops drinking, all his faculties return and he faces no annoying withdrawals.

Only one cool teacher per school is allotted. The others are boring fuddy-duddies. The cool teacher will at some point clash with an administrator.

Only one fat kid is allowed per class.

Only the "Japs" and the "VC" bother to use booby traps.

Only the Marines fought the war in the Pacific. No Army personnel were involved.

Our hero has intruded into the bad guys' base and he has been spotted! The alarm is raised. Curious factors generally are: 1) Every bad guy or henchman has the authority to raise the alarm on any pretext and 2) has access to a button or switch to do so. 3) Once the bells start ringing everybody knows exactly what the alarm signifies.

Panic: When a woman enters her home, and suspects someone is lurking, she never turns on the light. When in deep panic she screams, hands on cheeks.

Pastries are always in plain pink boxes. When we see a plain pink box, we expected to know that the box contains donuts or cake or some related item.

Paying a ransom involves running around the streets trying to get to the next phone box in 10 minutes. No-one walking by ever picks up these

Pedestrians in Hollywood have the world's best reactions, so don't worry if you have to drive down a sidewalk.

People always pump out a few (probably used) shotgun shells at each corner when chasing someone.

People always speak broken and/or heavily accented English in foreign countries.

People are often exact duplicates of remote ancestors, or of their parent at the same age.

People being chased by a car will keep running down the middle of the road instead of ducking in somewhere where a car cannot go.

People can be rendered inoperative by bumping them on the head. Clasping your hands together and hitting the bad guy's back will also guarantee unconsciousness. Beware, though; after you have left the scene, this person will regain consciousness and be more determined to attack you.

People getting emails never get SPAM.

People going to any significant place in the movie will always find a free parking space when they arrive. Even if they visit the supermarket, they never spend 5-10 minutes looking for a space.

People in a wide open field or dense forest can make their voice echo if they yell loud enough.

People in movies always eat Chinese food out of the cartons.

People never answer the door until the doorbell or knocking has sounded at least three times.

People never cough, sneeze, blow their noses, or show any other symptoms of being in less than perfect health. Only exception is when they're dying. A cough is a symptom of terminal illness.

People never get out of the house when there is obvious danger there (ghosts, murderers).

People speaking on the phone never introduce themselves, and never ever say "good-bye" at the end of a conversation.

People standing outside a running helicopter can always talk in normal or just slightly louder than normal voices.

People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

People wearing glasses will always take of their glasses when they are in disbelief or shock of what they are seeing .

People who are hunkered down in foxholes, bunkers, etc., waiting out an enemy barrage will never notice it when it ends. It will take one smart person to say "Hey, do you hear that?" to which someone will respond "What? I don't hear anything". And the smart person will say "That's what I mean."

People who are knocked unconscious by the swinging of some heavy object (like a statuette) will wake up sometime later, shake their heads, and recover completely -- they will not need to be carted off to emergency to be treated for their concussion.

People who hear something weird outside will go OUT to look, even if they know there's a homicidal maniac on the loose.

People who use word processors always say out loud what they type.

Periodically, during the night, a sleeping person's (clearly self-aware) hand will move across the bed to check the continued presence of sleeping partner. It is when the hand fails to find sleeping partner that some sort of trigger is set off that wakes the sleeping person.

Phones: People don't introduce themselves, nor do they say "bye" when they're done. They remember a huge amount of phone numbers by heart: high school friends they haven't seen in years, government offices, every restaurant in town (they also remember the head waiter's name). They seldom need a phone book, an address book or operator assistance. When the phone wakes you up in the morning, you grope for it with your hand and drop it on the floor. If it's an Arabic film, you invariably get a bad line and have to shout at the mouthpiece.

Photos in movies always have something significant hidden in the background.

Photos of loved ones, religious medals, and bibles can stop bullets better than a bulletproof vest.

Piston helicopters always start up with screaming turbine engine sounds.

Piston-engine airplanes in the movies are unusually subject to engine failure. This failure mode is unique to filmdom - engine coughs, keeps running. Hero doesn't notice. Then it stutters, catches again. Hero notices, taps gas gauge, turns lever. Then it stutters exactly three times and stops immediately, including propeller. No further efforts are ever made to restart.

Police Captains/lieutenants are always angry at their star detective and yell at him, threatening suspension if he doesn't drop the case.

Police cars involved in chase scenes usually tend to suffer more than any other vehicles- they have head on collisions, smash parked cars, fall into water, and of course, experience the ever popular flying-roll, causing the car to land upside down and crush the lights and siren. Usually, we never get to see the unlucky police force member before or after the inevitable accident.

Police cars will get battered more than the others.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

Police: The bosses are always mad at their top detective, threatening to suspend him. After they do, he manages to solve the crime single-handed. Police bosses are under pressure from the mayor, who threatens them that if they don't get the serial killer.. and so on...

Potentially fatal attacks are always preceded by a false alarm a few seconds earlier.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.

Pregnancy: If a woman has dizzy spells that means she is pregnant (and surprised). When she tells her man he is even more surprised.

Public toilets are not used for bodily functions. They are used for snorting cocaine, being stalked by serial killers, and overhearing conversations.

Radiation causes mutation not to your future children, but to you, there and then. Mutation is never immediately fatal, but first either makes you into a formless blob, or a functional creature with animal-like features.

Radio/TV: When the hero wants to hear a newscast he opens the set exactly as the newsreader gets to the point and shuts it down right afterwards. If a friend calls you and tells you to watch for an interesting news item, you open the set and the item starts right away.

Rambo-style pilots can fly with one hand on the cyclic stick while the other fires an automatic weapon out the door. The helicopter automatically knows when to change altitude to fly over obstacles without the pilot worrying about that pesky collective pitch control.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

Rats, mice, squirrels and other vermin always make the tiny little squeaky noises constantly while they are on screen.

Recordings: When the hero wants to hear a recording, he rewinds the tape to the exact spot where the recording starts; he manages to do this time and time again.

Reporters work on their own. They are never told what to do by editors and if they are they ignore it anyway.

Restrooms always have a window, providing a convenient, back-of-the-building escape hatch.

Roger, wilco -- over and out. nuff said. Radio transmissions are always improper.

Ropes: Very easy to get out of, using supple fingers or rubbing against a sharp object. Still the hero will pretend to be tied up so he can jump at the appropriate moment.

Same is true in restaurants. Checks are always designed to be 15 percent under the sum the male customer has in his hands first.

Schools: Lessons are very short and the bell cuts the teacher in mid sentence.

Schoolteachers have no concept of time in their classes. They will announce a new topic as if they still have hours left for the lesson, then a bell will ring and everyone will start to leave before the teacher finishes speaking.

Screaming "NOOOOOO!" at the top of one's lungs, until out of air, right after the hero's lover / family member / pet is / are killed, is mandatory if the hero later plans to seek revenge for the killing.

Serial killers always have a basement room whose walls are covered with photographs of their victims and newspaper cuttings about their crimes.

Shootouts: Heroes are shot in the arm or leg; they improvise a bandage to restrict blood-flow and go on fighting evil. Women are shot in the belly.

Shopping: Put your purchases in a brown paper bag; it will fall apart before you reach the kitchen. If this happens in the street or the stairs it is an excellent way to meet someone of the opposite sex.

Shots fired at guys hiding around corners never whiz past; they always strike the edge of the building near the character's face.

Shots fired at the rear of a vehicle will cause the gas tank to explode.

Shots fired at windshields never deflect; they always penetrate and hit the bad guy in the forehead. If the good guy is driving, he'll simply have to duck a little to avoid them.

Shots fired in Westerns that do not hit a character always ricochet loudly.

Shots from lasers or laser guns travel in space with visible velocity.

Should a woman look beautiful with her glasses still on, she is either a surgeon, a successful lawyer or a nuclear scientist.

Should somebody bump into you while you are carrying grocery bags, your eggs will jump out and splat on the floor.

Should the villain try to shoot up at the ceiling where our hero is hiding in a crawlspace, he will never hit him, even with a machine gun.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

Single people always have curdled milk and 3-week old leftover Chinese food in their fridge.

Sitting behind his novelty-sized desk, the head of the organized crime family / CEO of a giant evil corporation / corrupt politician receives new information over the phone from one of his operatives or freelance snitch. When he hangs up, he turns to one of his novelty-sized henchmen and says you know what to do. The man nods grimly, asks nothing, and walks out, despite having only heard one side of the conversation.

Smokers smoke only when there is a romantic or dramatic reason to. At other times the smoker has no need of cigarettes.
Snarling alligators always congregate below rickety wooden suspension bridges, splashing around and waiting for their next victim.

Snipers always know exactly where someone will pop their head out of trench and soldiers in trenches never use mirrors or periscopes, like they did in World War One.

Soldiers and sailors must have at least on bar room brawl usually followed by a scene where they come to each others mutual aid the next day.

Soldiers will always make a comment about the food, usually something along the line of "I stepped in it but I've never ate it" or "if we feed this to the "krauts" we'd win the war tomorrow".

Soldiers will ask for keys for military vehicles even though these vehicles don’t use keys.

Soldiers: If a soldier shows his friend a photo of his small-town sweetheart, he will die soon. If he's about to go on a coveted leave, he will die soon. If he tells his friend about a dream he had -- well, you get the idea.

Somebody always cuts the rope bridge.

Someone always says "What's that supposed to mean?"

Someone comes into someone else's office and sees them facing away in a swivel chair. The person who came in starts talking, but the person in the chair doesn't respond. The person approaches cautiously, as though the person were just sleeping in the chair. Then, timidly, the person grabs the back of the chair and swivels it around and the person is DEAD.

Someone is bound to walk out of the dining table before the meal ends

Someone opens the power box, rips out the biggest cable, and touches it to the rest of the stuff in there;

Space is not Newtonian; spacecraft can't 'coast', but just stop dead if they run out of fuel or power.

Spaceships always fly perpendicular to the same axis. When two spacecraft encounter each other, they're always aligned on a plane and never approach at odd angles.

Spaceships make noise.

Spaceships must always go through the asteroid field, instead of going around it.

Spaceships seem not to have any seatbelts, however often the ship gets into heavy fights. Every hit is always followed by half of the crew flying off their seats and getting injured by it.

SS soldiers always wear there dress black uniform.

Step kids always hate each other until their parents go on vacation for the weekend. then they have an adventure together & bond for life.

Storms start instantaneously: there's a crack of thunder and lightning, then heavy rain starts falling.

Stripping to the waist makes the hero invulnerable.

Strong (character/will) women are always macho, or bitchy.

Students always store books and folders at the top of their locker.

Students have tons of time between classes to talk and do other things.

Students in school are extremely quick. First an image of the empty corridors is shown. Then the school bell rings. After only one second, a thousand students are wandering round the corridors going home after a hard day's work. No time is needed for the teachers to finish what they are saying or for the students to pack their things before they leave the classroom.

Submarines will always have to surface at a time when it's not to their advantage to do so.

Sudden acceleration of a car (be it forwards, backwards, stopping, skidding, sliding, or whatever) causes a loud skid, even on dirt or wet roads. Be prepared. Each wheel is also fitted with a smoke device to let you know when this happens. Hollywood cars are also special: when you take off quickly, you always leave a skid mark for each drive wheel, regardless of whether you have a limited slip differential or not.

Sunlight always glares off binocular lenses, no matter where the sun is in the sky. Bad guys in the valley can always look up into the hills and spot someone using binoculars to spy on them.

Supposedly brilliant players usually miss one move checkmates in critical games. This is akin to a professional race car driver backing his station wagon into the garage door.

Sword fights must always take place in an area where the villain's sword blade can reflect a small, bright glint of light running evilly down the blade as he grins villainously or draws his sword.

Sympathetic nuns are almost always sweetly naive and unworldly. They will almost always tell the hero of the movie to trust in God at some critical point in the story.

Tarzan always has a clean-shaven face and body. The apes apparently taught him to shave and supply him with razor blades and soap.

Tears: Women will cry in the bath or the shower. When crying in the shower, their back will slide down the wall slowly until they end up sitting on the floor. Men cry in the battlefield, especially when it rains.

Technology: Computer experts are black or wheelchair-bound or both. From any computer you can - with the help of the wheelchair expert - infiltrate any large organization and access files on the laptop computer of any villain. All computers, even the simplest, will display a realistic 3D colour picture. Character based terminals have all got speech synthesizers.

Teenage girls are always rebels who love to play really loud rock music, hate their parents, and have a cool older boyfriend who their overprotective father has banned them from seeing.

Teenage girls will always leave their diaries in some conspicuous place (such as their top dresser drawer, or an open book bag) so that either her mother, younger brother, crush etc) will find it.

Teenagers always have parties while their parents are away. Parents will always have to leave their vacation sooner than they planned, prompting them to call their children to inform them they will be coming home early. This is usually done when the parents are an hour away from home.

Teens never like to watch the same thing as their parents or annoying sibling.

Teens only watch music videos when watching TV.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

The assistant librarian is always a really hot chick

The bad guy also has a side-kick muscleman, who has some sort of trademark gimmick that he/she uses to eliminate opponents. You must kill or decommission this muscleman by forcing a backfiring of this trademarked gimmick. If the muscleman dispatched by a different method, he/she is not dead. (For that matter, don't assume that anyone is dead unless their death was spectacular. Beware sequels.)

The bad guy always sits in chairs with armrests.

The bad guy is the foreigner. The foreigner is the guy who speaks English with an English accent.

The bad guy points his weapon at the hero and you hear the shot/firing sound but it turns out the bad guy was really shot and subsequently falls over... usually with a look of shock/surprise on his face. Sometimes, he'll slowly turn around to see the figure of the sidekick/previously thought dead character/girlfriend holding the gun.

The bad guy usually kills his henchman for failing, yet don't seem to run out of loyal henchmen.

The bad guy, having finally gotten the good guy into his clutches, will usually spend a few megalomaniac minutes gloating over his victory and his opponent's downfall. This increment of time will prove just enough to allow the good guy to figure a way out of his predicament, or just long enough to allow a rescue attempt.

The bad guy, instead of simply offing the captured good guy on the spot, will devise some sort of drawn-out, fiendishly clever method of execution that will take enough time to allow the good guy to figure out his escape.

The battle hardened vet will always fall on a grenade for the new guy, rather than picking up the grenade and throwing it away, or jumping out of the fox hole.

The bedrooms of recently killed children are full of sports trophies and prom photographs.

The beloved Family dog or cat never dies. If by chance the pet does die, its owner will die too and they will be reunited in Heaven.

The best doctors wear jeans & sneakers or other similarly unconventional attire.

The best moment in a conversation to tell the other person something extremely important is when he or she is on the verge of exiting. Then the first person will call him or her back in and often decide that it wasn't that important after all.

The board is usually set up wrong, with the black square at the players lower right, or with one or both of the King/Queen set up backwards. (WHITE SQUARE GOES ON THE PLAYERS RIGHT. QUEENS on their own color: white QUEEN on white, black QUEEN on black.)

The British Army is only allowed to fight in North Africa, and even then only elite forces other than the LRDG and SAS are allowed to fight.

The coach is either a washed up pro, or some would-have-been-pro except for a knee injury.

The cop/PI goes to the Hall of Records in search of information and sweet talks the (usually female) clerk who, no matter what the suspect's name is, finds exactly what the cop is looking for in the top drawer of her filing cabinet.

The cops never show up during massive gun battles in city streets that involve bystanders and exploding cars. After the fact, you might just a siren in the distance.

The correct military honor for a hero who saves the world by sacrificing his own life by flying directly into the alien death ray is to clap and cheer wildly in front of the hero's family immediately after he perishes

The cowboy who exchanges a dozen shots with the bad guys without hitting one will nevertheless be able to hit and detonate a stick of dynamite from 150 feet away with a revolver on the first try.

The DA or Mayor will always be up for election in the near future.

The detective, superintendent, or whoever is the leading man in a series, has always solved cases against all odds. Yet, everytime he starts with a new case his ability is drawn into doubt as if he has never been successful.

The Evil Genius in films will always place his bomb somewhere incredibly difficult to find, but unfortunately still include a beeping device allowing the hero to easily find the bomb.

The evil sniper can have hours of preparation and minimum of distance and perfect rifles. Despite that, he always miss the good guy with some centimeters or at best he makes a scratch wound. Our hero on the other hand can two second after he has noticed the first shot, immediately find a shelter, draw his gun, localize the sniper and shot him in the middle of his eyes with a hand-gun.

The fact that a woman is pregnant or the fact that she notes her pregnancy is introduced by a scene where you hear the woman vomit.

The feasibility of an idea is inversely proportional to its initial apparent plausibility.

The female anchor person is usually named Gail.

The first shot or burst of fire from a bad guy _always_ misses, and is there just to announce that a fight will be taking place.

The first thing people do when they get home is to check their answering machine which is conveniently placed on a table a couple of feet away from the front door.

The friendly male neighbor of the beautiful woman who enters without knocking and exchanges foodstuffs is invariably gay.

The genetically-engineered virus will always have a dormancy period specified in hours, which will be exact to the second. The virus will cause no ill effects up until the final minute before time runs out, when the victim will feel faint. The cure, if injected in time, is immediate and revitalizing. Neither the cure nor the now-defeated virus will have any side effects and no recovery time is required.

The German Army always uses U. S. Patton Tanks.

The good guy can always head-butt the bad guy knocking him out cold, but doing no serious damage to himself.

The have spent the night together, they now know each other pretty well, but when one of them has to get out of bed they will always need to drape a sheet around themselves.

The hero always misses the villain leaving the scene by seconds.

Heroes are equally adept at firing handguns with either their left or right hand, or frequently both hands at the same time.

Heroes can eat nothing but Burgers , Pizza and Hot Dogs and still be in great physical shape .

Heroes can go without food or sleep, with no measurable drop in physical or mental faculties, for at least 72 hours.

Heroes' guns don't get wet, and even fire from underwater.

Heroes have more accurate aim when being shot at if they somersault out of the way of the bullets, and immediately fire one shot when they land on their feet.

Heroes will always suffer at least one cut during a duel, either across the chest, cheek, forehead, or upper arm. Later during the fight, he will retaliate by giving the villain an identical cut.

Heroes/Heroines can completely disguise themselves by donning a pair of glasses (usually with very fashionable, barely there frames). Leading ladies may also put their hair in a pony tail or bun, or button their blouse a bit. Of course, then no one can tell it's him/her.

Heroes and villains can successfully use wood, no matter how thin, as a safe shield against bullets of any caliber.

Heroes can run through heavy gunfire from the bad guys and never once get hit.

High-class strippers with a heart of gold can will, if the plot demands it, turn out to have specialized technical skills and abilities.

High-powered female executives always wear miniskirts and five-inch heels to work

High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.

Honest and hardworking policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement

Horses are never wounded in horseback gunfights.

Horses never get winded, throw a shoe, etc., until the pursuing sheriff is right behind the hero.

Hospital administrators care about nothing but money.

Hospital food is always edible and appetizing, unless used for comedic effect, in which case the patient next to you has a steak and you have slop.

Houses in horror movies always come equipped with easily accessible fuse boxes and telephone wires, rickety basement stairs with at least one loose or easily-breakable step, a dank basement where the only light source is a naked light bulb (the switch to which is usually located at the bottom of the stairs), a musty attic filled with boxes and trunks and a dressmaker's dummy, and thick shrubbery that will break the fall of any victim that falls out a window. This same shrubbery will be conveniently absent when the killer takes a header out a window.

Houses never have screens in the windows.

Hugging: American families like to hug. When hugging, one should say "I llove you, son".

Hundreds of lighted candles will appear in the room where a couple are about to have sex. Nobody has to light them or put them out. No matter how intense the sex gets, nobody accidentally sets the bed on fire by knocking over one of the candles.

Hunters are invariably portrayed as idiotic clods in red plaid shirts and goofy-looking caps. They're all careless with guns, very likely to discharge one at a nearby (and far more intelligent) onlooker, and they, from all appearances and impressions, have no concern whatsoever for the precious natural resources that, through license fees and excise taxes, hunters and fishermen ironically pay the lion's share of .

Ice cream: Unhappy people eat it at night, straight from the box.

If a blonde and a brunette are in equal peril, the brunette will die.

If a car breaks down, it will always stop on a railroad track. A train will appear in a matter of seconds.

If a character has a suspicious past, they have a scrapbook full of mementos and newspaper clippings directly related to their shady history that someone is bound to find.

If a character says I'll never fall in love, they undoubtedly will.

If a character uses martial arts rather than a weapon, his opponents will always face him one-to-one. Spare bad guys may dance around the fight taunting our hero, but none will engage until his predecessor has been disposed of. And if it's an oriental martial arts film, they will fight in perfect one-two rhythm and form, hit-block-hit-block.

If a detailed scene is presented, in which a man enters his cars, puts on his belt and starts the car - either the car is booby-trapped or someone is hiding in the back seat.

If a detective, the hero will not request backup and observe 'till help arrives, but will always face a small army of bad-guys alone. Help will arrive just in time to cart them off.

If a detective/investigator visits a murder-victims grave he will always find someone else visiting at exactly the same time who will be able to help him solve the murder.

If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

If a gas station and a man with a machine gun appear in the same scene, before the scene ends the gas station will explode. The same is true of fuel drums.

If a hero magnanimously spares the defeated villain's life, the villain will take the first opportunity to make a last desperate murderous lunge, forcing the hero to shoot him dead. Thus the hero gets to stand on the moral high ground and kill the bad guy anyway.

If a main character dies, his sweetheart back home will have nightmare at that exact same moment

If a man and a woman are exposed to the same conditions and the same environment, the man will need to wear more clothing than the woman.

If a man and a woman meet under circumstances which any two normal people would instantly hate each other, they will marry before the picture is over.

If a man is changing a baby boy's diaper, the baby will pee on him.

If a man is looking at himself in the mirror they always do something goofy like dance in their underwear or check out their fat gut.

If a man is seen shaving, he will invariably be interrupted, and will be compelled to leave the bathroom with shaving cream on his face. If he wipes it off before leaving, he will have a perfectly shaven face regardless of the point the process was interrupted at.

If a man with a machine gun and a man with a pistol have a gunfight, the man with the pistol will win.

If a married couple is in divorce or are divorced, and they have to work together in the movie, they will almost certainly get back together before the end of the movie. However, the man has to perform at least one silly stunt - preferably risking his life more than once - before they do.

If a movie takes place in San Francisco, there will be a car chase.

If a movie takes place in Washington, D.C., either the hero, the villain, or the hero or villain's government boss will have an office with a perfect view of either the Washington Monument or the Capitol Dome. At least once in the movie, the hero will visit the Lincoln Memorial.

If a person gets shot they have plenty of time to tell all kinds of things except the most important information (like the name of the murderer).

If a person good person dies with his eyes open, a friend will close them, and they will remain closed. If a villain dies with his eyes open, no one will close them, and the camera will linger on his face.

If a person must barge into an office guarded by an assistant (usually female) the assistant will pop up and shout you can't just barge in there. She is always ignored. If the subject in the room is alone, the assistant will say I'm sorry sir, s/he just barged past me. If the subject is NOT alone, he will be in a meeting with a few businessmen (usually Japanese) and the secretary will not appear.

If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically pressing the cradle switch and saying, "Hello? Hello?"

If a plan is so crazy it just might work, it always will. Plans are never so crazy, they're unlikely to work.

If a police officer is about to retire, and hopes to take his last few days easy, he will inevitably be caught up in his most adventurous and dangerous police case yet.

If a power line is down in a film, it will always dance around like a snake and shoot sparks even though power lines do not do this in real life.

If a soldier tries to look up an old buddy who was transferred to different unit, the buddy will be dead, or will die shortly there after.

If a supercomputer is made too powerful, it will eventually become self-conscious and want to destroy all life in the universe.

If a teenage couple even thinks about having sex, the girl gets pregnant.

If a villain falls from a high-rise building, his body will strike the only parked car in the area precisely on the center of the car's roof.

If a woman gets hold of a gun and threatens a bad guy with it, he will always find the situation either hysterically funny and/or not the least bit threatening.

If a woman is on her own in the house, she will invariably take a shower or have a bath.

If a woman is pregnant, she will deliver before the movie ends.

If a woman takes a bath, bubbles will cover the naughty bits. If she takes a shower and reveals her naughty bits, she will die.

If a woman takes a bath, she'll always make sure to light at least 7 or more candles for the perfect lighting.

If a women gets her hands on a weapon of some sort. She will do one of two things. Run away rather than use it, or drop it when the villain jumps out and startles her.

If an action movie hero is above the age of 35 (sometimes younger) it is statistically certain that after a few strenuous brushes with death he will say "I'm getting too old for this shit".

If an actor is seen at an airport, train station, etc., he carries his suitcases without any strain.

If an expert makes a prediction and is disbelieved, then it will come to pass exactly as he predicted. If he makes a prediction and is believed, it won't happen.

If an investigation proves difficult, a Chief of Police will either suspend his star detective or give him 48 hours to finish the job. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If anyone is pointing a gun at you, and says, I'm going to kill you, but first I'm going to tell you why, don't worry. They never succeed after telling you why.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade -- no matter what time of year it is. If you can't find a St. Patrick's Day parade, try for a Chinese New Year celebration and hide in the dragon.

If cash is presented in some kind of transaction, a briefcase is used to hold it all. Etiquette requires that you open the briefcase then swivel it and turn it around.

If defibrillation doesn't work, the best way to revive someone whose heart has stopped is to scream "You can't do this to me! I love you, goddammit!" at them.

If fallen into by the hero, contains empty cardboard boxes. Also alleys in movies contain an inordinate number of discarded mattresses which are extremely soft, allowing for 2-3 story falls without injury to the hero, an advantage over villains who required by movie law to descend the fire escape.

If hero OR villain takes an elevator, villain OR hero can beat it by taking stairs, even if the trip is 20 floors.

If it begins to rain during the funeral, umbrellas appear out of nowhere and they will always be black. Even if the funeral is huge -- everyone magically has a black umbrella.

If one group is being chased by another group, at least one person in the first group will turn to the others and say, "We got company".

If soldiers start to eat/drink/change socks/go to the bathroom, they will get orders to move out immediately.

If somebody coughs or sneezes in movies, it means they have cancer or some other fatal disease. Unless they have allergies.

If someone doesn't answer the door after knocking and waiting 3 seconds, they are not home. It's safe to let yourself in.

If someone gives a time estimate, such as when a bomb will go off, they will be accurate to the second.

If someone has "fixed" the foot-brakes in the car, the driver never use the hand-brake and the gears to slow down, at least not until the last moment.

If someone takes the time to point out an object that's been handed down for generations/given to them by a beloved relative shortly before said relative died/a priceless antique, and the movie is a comedy, action or horror movie, you can be sure that object will be destroyed.

If someone wants to call the hero, he/she will let the phone ring forever before hanging up, especially if the caller does not know that the hero has to fight his way to the phone through a bunch of bad guys.

If someone scans the area with binoculars, say from the left to the right, he will not immediately notice an anomaly. only a second after the anomaly went out of site, he will realize that he missed something, and return the binoculars to the left.

If the bad guy leaves his apartment and uses the elevator, the good guy's elevator arrives as the bad guy's is leaving.

If the bride to be is seen on screen in her wedding dress before the ceremony, the wedding will not take place. Usually due to unreasonable/unpleasant groom to be, or fascinating 11th hour love interest.

If the cables to an elevator are cut, the elevator will plummet to the bottom of the shaft despite the fact that all modern elevators have inertial brakes to stop them.

If the funeral is at the end of the movie on the characters will sometimes (usually the widow, or daughter) will come up to the detective, and mention that they are leaving the city to live with a sister in (insert your own state name here.) Or else they will say good-bye in some way.

If the government or some other agency recruits you to provide your expertise to deal with an unforeseen national disaster or crisis, watch out! Chances are your ex-spouse or ex-girlfriend/boyfriend will be recruited for the same reason.

If the hero and villain's swords cross at or below waist level, they will break the clinch, fall back, and pause -- despite the fact that a simple upthrust into the opponent's belly after the break would end the duel right there and then.

If the hero asks a kid to stay safely hidden until the fight is over, the kid will invariably crawl away as soon as the hero turns his back. Usually the kid will crawl right within the villains arms' reach.

If the hero chases a bad guy through a hotel kitchen, some fool is going to have a huge tray of food which will get shoved into his face.

If the hero gets into a second fight, his most injured body part will always be punched or kicked.

If the hero has a psychological/physical problem which has prevented him from effectively dealing with problems, you can rest assured that this problem will disappear at an opportune time.

If the hero is a white male and has an assistant/sidekick who is either not white or not male the assistant/sidekick will die, preferably in an act of heroic sacrifice.

If the hero is chasing after a bad guy driving a cab, he will inevitably run across an entire fleet of cabs all at the same stoplight.

If the hero is in the hospital he always has an IV which he will rip out before he bursts into action. But his arm doesn’t bleed.

If the hero is wrestling with the villain at the edge of a cliff/top of a building, the villain, on top of the hero, will be thrown off just as he is about to choke the hero to death.

If the hero listens to his answering machine and one important message is unexpected then he usually has two very short messages on the tape before, one spoken by a man, one by a women. "Hi John! I’ll see you tomorrow at eight.".... beep ... "This is Sallieeeeee! I'll call again later." ... beep .... and then finally "Ahhhh! The killer is .....". If however the message is expected be sure that it will be the first one on the tape.

If the hero needs to get into a room with an electronic security door then shooting the controls will always open the door. If the hero needs to keep someone from entering the room then shooting the controls will jam the door closed.

If the hero tries to call someone he needs urgently he won't need more than three rings to know that he/she is not there.

If the hero's capabilities in any way depend on any kind of item or weapon, rest assured that the hero will lose possession or control of the item or weapon when he needs it most. He will then regain it despite being powerless, and finish off the villain. Note that guns or firearms of any kind are not allowed to be said item.

If the hero's initial weapon runs out of ammo, and he picks up the gun of a fallen henchman he's killed, he will resign himself to hand-to-hand combat as soon as his second weapon is empty, regardless of how many henchman he's killed and how many more loaded guns are lying around.

If the light bulbs are in a row, they blow in timed sequence.

If the main character has a boss or mentor that has meant everything to that main character, good chance that mentor will turn out to be the bad guy.

If the movie hero has a sidekick and he mentions his family in the first two minutes of the film, the sidekick will surely be killed.

If the movie is a murder story, the hero detective will always show up at the burial. He will always stand next to the grieving family, even if he doesn't know them, or be in the same camera shot. No one will ask who he is no matter how small the funeral is. If not, then he will observe the funeral from several feet away, sometimes he will lean on a tree or a car.

If the nun isn't a sympathetic character she will always be a sadistic bully. She will inevitably be a teacher.

If the producers find no company to invest into the picture, strange things happen to the world: gas stations have no brand names visible, stars use no-name airlines (they often crash!), all smokers use silver cases for their cigarettes.

If the setting is a New England boarding school or Ivy League college, there will be a shot of the crew team practicing.

If the tapping sound or flashing light represents morse code, there's always someone around that can interpret the message.

If the travel guide scene is omitted, you'll be treated with the scene where a soldier comments about how nice everything looks, too bad there's a war going on, he's going to come back when this is all over. He'll be shot by a sniper shortly after this scene.

If the villain falls through a skylight while fighting on the roof, he will then score a direct hit on a glass coffee table below.

If there are characters in a film that are from a certain ethnic area as a rule there must be at least one with a certain kind of name: Russian Male: Ivan or Yuri; Russian Female: Natasha; Italian Male: Luigi, Tony; Italian Female: Gina, Maria; Swedish Female: Inga; German Male: Hans, Fritz or Jurgen; American Male: Jack, Jim or Joe.

If there are stairs, the hero will be forced up them backwards by the villain, at which point the hero will either leap to the ground or swing from a rope/chandelier/tapestry to get away.

If there is a candelabra, the villain will show how talented he is with a sword by cutting the candles and watching them fall over; the hero will do the same but the candles won't fall until after the villain has made a comment about the hero's lack of fencing ability, at which point the hero will topple the cut candles, showing that he is more skilled than the villain because his candles didn't fall over from the force of the cut.

If there is a cat in a movie, it will eventually walk across the keyboard of a piano.

If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.

If there is a large bump in a downhill road, speeding cars will always fly over them and hit the ground in shower of sparks. An interior view will then show the reaction of the passengers at the moment of impact. They will not be injured, even if they are not wearing safety belts. No tire damage, broken axles, or suspension failures will occur as a result of the impact. The car will then execute a sharp left turn at the bottom of the hill. Losing a hubcap at this point will be optional.

If there is a pregnant woman in the film, no matter when her due date is, she will give birth at the least opportune time and location.

If there is a tapestry or chandelier, the hero will cut it loose and drop it on the villain's henchmen _unless_ the movie is a comedy, in which case the hero will drop it on his own men by accident.

If there is a trough of water present in a Western gunfight scene, at least one shot will splash spectacularly in the water.

If there is more than one or two of an alien race, they are always roughly the same size as humans.

If there is traffic, then that means that the movie is at a more intense part (like a chase scene) in which case there are a lot of cars that crash into each other. None of the important characters get hurt, the accident is never heard on the news, and nobody sues anybody important. Very few people even get out of their cars, and yet, no airbags are to be seen.

If two characters are pregnant, they will always go into labor at the same time.

If two guys are chasing you , the best way to get rid of them is make them shoot at each other, or collide (if in planes or helicopters).

If you and a friend are going to try to blend in with a group of cows in the movies, make sure you're in the head part of the costume. Movie bulls are really turned on by people in cow costumes.

If you are a cowboy, aiming your rifle while using your horse as a support will always assure a first round hit.

If you are a good-looking attorney, you are allowed to ramble about the most insignificant point even if it has nothing to do with the case before the court.

If you are a princess, you always have a favorite lady in waiting, and you always send her to warn the hero of the evil king's intention just in time.

If you are a senior officer in any police force it is mandatory that you have no computer skills.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.

If you are ever in a life or death situation, such as war or a police investigation, do not ever talk about your young wife or your kids, especially if the wife is pregnant or the child has just been born. To do so guarantees death.

If you are leaning over a ship's rail saying goodbye to a loved one, your final words will be lost in a loud blast from the foghorn

If you are trapped in a tunnel, in a sinking ship, or a burning building, a cute little girl, a nun, and a feisty granny will be trapped with you.

If you become stranded on an island you're clothes get ripped but only in ways that are provocative without showing actual nudity.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file from the network, it also disappears from the screen.

If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen (e.g Clear and Present Danger).

If you don't have a key to a door, don't worry, you can kick it and it will open up immediately

If you don't have a parachute, just cling on to someone who has got one and don't let go until you're down.

If you get sucked out into the space (because of a hole in the wall), you have always to do one or two somersaults while flying to the opening.

If you have a bad dream, you will launch out of bed to a 90 degree position when you wake up. Then sigh.

If you have a crush on the coolest/most popular/best looking guy/girl in school and you complain to your best friend/mother/father/brother that he/she doesn't even notice you because you are ugly, expect a long lecture about how he/she should like you for what's inside of you, even though you only care for your crush's looks.

If you lose a hand, it causes the stump of your arm to grow by six inches.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -- even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

If you see the flame of an explosion if you're in a tunnel then get up and run as fast as you can. You have a good chance of outrunning it even though shockwaves can travel faster than the speed of sound. In fact, ignore shockwaves, its the flame you're worried about. So duck at the last second or jump into the air. Jumping into the air makes you travel faster because the explosion will push you forward like wind and will not hurt you.

If you try hard enough, you can outrun an explosion.

If you want to destroy a Computer, you only have to smash the keyboard and the monitor. This will also immediately terminate all running tasks and applications and/or delete all critical files.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

If you're a high school student in a film, you will always get one of the preferable eye-level lockers.

If you're a woman in a film and have just finished a steamy lovemaking session, make sure to lay back and pull the sheets up to your neck, just like in real life.

If you're in San Francisco, you absolutely will see cars driving downhill at high speed through the 40 degree steep roads, leaping hundreds of feet up in the air, with no injuries or damage to the vehicles.

If you've had a fight with a lover and call their home in order to make up, you can be sure that if the machine picks up this means that the person is home, sitting next to it and crying. The scorned lover will only pick up the phone and say hello as you're done apologizing and have hung up.

If, during a fencing match, the combatants demonstrate their skill by cutting through all the candles on a candelabrum, the light level in the room will remain constant.

If, during a fight a weak character gets their hands on a gun and points it at the villain, the villain will always react in a confident manner and approach the terrified person with the loaded gun, saying give me the gun or you won't shoot me. Despite the fact that the person holding the gun has the villain at their mercy, they will always either hand the gun over or allow the villain to get close enough to snatch it out of their hands.

In 50% of action movies made after 1988, "Teflon Coated Cop Killer Bullets" will be referred to.

In a bar fight scene, the following will surely occur: Someone will smash a bottle of another’s head, or alternatively, smash it on the bar, and then jam in in another’s face, Someone will tip a round table over, Someone will be slid along the length of the bar, Someone will get thrown into the bottles/glasses behind the bar, Someone will have a bar stool broken over their head, The hero will force a villain onto his back, a quirky line will be said, and then fighting will continue, The barman always ducks behind the bar at the start, and emerges unscathed at the end regardless of how many people, bottles etc. have been throw there during the fight, Unusual bar decor is often used as a weapon, A glass of whiskey will always be at hand to throw into the villains face, no matter how badly the bar i smashed up, The villain can usually escape from the full effects of the said drink in the face by clutching his eyes and blundering about for a second or two, before resuming the fight, There will always be a really fat/big guy who, though strong enough to laugh when the hero hits him in the face, will get beaten senseless seconds later.

In a basketball game, the star will always hit the winning basket as the timer hits 0:00 or he'll get fouled and make his free throws with no time on the clock.

In a battle between opposing submarines, the two antagonists will pass perilously close to each other under “silent running”.

In a blackout, lights always flash several times before finally going out.

In a chase, all movie women must be pulled along by their hands, even if the male puller is short & fat and the woman is a track star.

In a city car chase, there will be a little old lady with shopping or a blind person crossing the road. The bad guy will speed past, leaving the pedestrian flustered, while the good guy screeches to a halt and patiently waits for the pedestrian to reach the other side.

In a comedy, where there is pie, there will be face.

In a disaster movie, the hero's wife/ex-wife/potential wife/child/mother/family member is always the only person caught in the sinking subway carriage/runaway train/about-to-be-blown-up building.

In a duel, if the villain wounds the hero in his sword arm, one of three things will happen:
A) hero becomes ambidextrous and fights with sword in other hand;
B) hero finds something else to defend himself with (tapestry, chain, Mossberg 12-gauge) that can be used with the other hand;
C) hero's girlfriend/sidekick comes up behind villain and impales him, thus saving hero.

In a duel, if hero is disarmed by villain, one of three things will happen:
A) villain will show a trace of honor and allow hero to get his sword;
B) hero will make mad dash/leap over or around villain to regain sword;
C) just when it looks like the end, hero's girlfriend/sidekick throws a sword to him, which he manages to grab easily

In a duel or in a gunfight between two characters standing in a street, at least one character is always hit on the first exchange of gunfire.

In a fight near a precipice the villain must attempt to push the hero over. During the struggle, the fighters will engage in the wittiest/grittiest/most moving dialogue of the film. Then the hero will escape from the clinch, only to hurl the villain over the same precipice to his grisly demise.

In a film where a character attends a martial arts class he or she will be attacked sometime during the film so he or she can demonstrate the techniques they have learned.

In a gunfight, always jump behind a couch as if it was bulletproof.

In a horror film when there is a full moon there is either an owl or a wolf howling in the distance

In a movie theatre showing a 3D-movie something must crash through the screen giving the audience a 3D-experience.

In a poker game, the idiot in the movie lays down his cards (always a big hand). As he begins to sweep the chips off the table and everyone else is throwing their cards down in disbelief, the hero slams down a monster hand and takes everyones money, ending the poker session.

In a prison or a gym, when someone is about to be threatened, it usually takes place when the subject is on his back pumping iron and the bar is lowered onto his neck thus reshaping the windpipe and driving some point home.

In a protracted encounter between submarine and destroyer, the respective captains will develop a grudging respect for each other.

In a spaceship battle scene, for a ship to fire a weapon at another, it must be in visual range. Even though the 20th century saw the advent of weapons that can be fired without visual contact, the people of the future have lost this technology.

In a sports movie, the good guys always need a miracle (a surprise move or something that hasn't worked so far) to win and they always get one.

In a sports movie, winning ability doesn't come from practice or natural talent. It comes from someone saying a long, inspirational rant.

In a submarine, a depth-charge attack will result in the flooding of a compartment. Crewmen will have to close a hatch on their drowning comrades in order to save the sub.

In a swordfight, you can always parry behind your back, and you must always find a set of stairs to fight on so that the loser can roll down them and die at the bottom.

In a war movie, everyone can instantly read and understand the map references. We are here. Jab at the map. The enemy is over here. Another jab at the map. No one ever says, "Hold on Sarge, I didn't get that.".

In a war movie, if somebody mentions that they have been waiting their whole life for this, they usually die or get severely injured.

In action movies: 1) if the camera focuses on a bad guy pointing a sniper gun on someone else and a second later another camera focuses on that person-the bad guy will always hit him, unless it's the hero. 2) if the camera focuses only on one person, an ambushing enemy will always surprise him and kill him, unless(again) it's the hero. 3) if the camera focuses only on the ambusher waiting for the hero to come, then when the ambusher will jump out of his hideout he will not see the hero.as soon as he starts looking for the hero the hero will surprise him from behind.

In all high school or college classrooms, the teacher or professor will always be interrupted in mid-sentence by the end-of-class bell.

In all movies, warps have the same effect: the stars change to lines.

In an action movie, if a fish tank is present it'll ALWAYS get smashed/broken/shot to pieces.

In an average group of hostages there is always an ill or pregnant woman.

In animated films, fat women are usually sympathetic and mother-like. When a woman is skinny, has an angular face, and wears odd clothes, she's undoubtedly the evil villain, and always the Cruella type.

In any area devastated by war, it takes the discovery of a child's toy in the rubble to show us the futility of it all.

In any fantasy movie, whenever the hero confronts a point of no return and has the option of crossing it, undoubtedly he will cross it, and will always be able to heroically return eventually with some sort of clever manipulation or trick.

In any international corporate computer system, the root user will not be a security-obsessed system administrator, but rather, the company's CEO, whose password is password.

In any movie where "something" has happened and villagers come to look at it, they always decide to "go for help". The most expendable member of the group is left to "keep an eye on it", and supplied with a weapon or signaling device "in case something happens". Said member ALWAYS responds: "What could happen?" This is a certain signal that he will die, gruesomely, within 2 minutes.

In any movie with an animal that can play a sport, a referee will be consulted and inevitably return the ruling, There's no rule that says the dog/horse/monkey can't play!

In any type of sports movie, a player on the field can look up into a crowd of 1 billion and immediately spot their loved one.

In car chases, there is always a bottled water truck, which seems to lose part of it's load tumbling down the street.

In emergencies, anyone can pick up flying a helicopter.

In every bar fight, some guy is thrown over the counter.

In every high school movie there is always the scene of the 3 most beautiful girls in schools walking down the hallway in sync while the rest of the student body pauses to stare in awe. This is always done with music being played in the background.

In every movie in which a plague has wiped out a major part of the population (even months or years later) lawns and shrubbery seem to be perfectly maintained.

In every old bookcase there is a certain book, that if you pull it, a secret door will open.

In every romantic comedy, there is always a segment in which the couple moves from friends to lovers in a matter of minutes. This is comprised of several shots of the couple doing silly things together - riding a bike, spilling ice-cream, playfully wrestling in a park, etc. This segment has no audio but is overlayed with a cheesy remake of an up-beat oldies song. Coming out of this segment usually finds the couple hand in hand walking and/or breathless from all the frivolity. Immediately thereafter comes the conflict (ex-lover, illness, etc.)

In every school, there is at least one nerd or wimp that is shoved into lockers that are big enough to hold them.

In every space movie, there's always a spaceship or a bomb exploding. The problem is, that there is no air in space, which means nothing can explode, and the spaceships can only break apart.

In film, no one uses the restroom, except as a venue for escape. If there are multiple people in the restroom, expect a minor character revelation while they stand at the mirror

In high school, if college is mentioned, the smartest characters will want to go to Harvard.

In high school, students in classrooms usually are inattentive and having side conversations. And the school is always huge.

In horror films, all bad guys/aliens will always break through barricades no matter how much time was spent building it.

In horror movies, any person, whether young or old, who smokes any type of illegal substance must die sometime during the movie.

In horror movies, the group always splits off into different groups, thus helping the killer to pick them off one by one

In jail, there must be a brutal guard and an evil scheming warden.

In mental institutions or psychiatric offices, the first doctor encountered is actually one of the patients.

In most sport movies, the awesome, fantastic career, always winning sportsman, always makes a bad start at his final and most important game.

In movie land nobody reads letters silently to themselves. No matter how personal or disturbing the contents, they must hand them to a second party to read outloud.

In movieland a young couple can't wash a car together without spraying and throwing soapy sponges at each other while dancing around and laughing moronically.

In movieland, play-by-play announcement is provided over loudspeakers for those attending the event.

In movieland, there's an abundance of corrupt helicopter pilots. Villains have no problem renting a helicopter complete with pilot who doesn't mind shooting total strangers, or being shot at.

In movies heroes normally knock on the door instead of ringing the bell, and instantly someone, that happens to be right next to the door opens, but it is never the person the hero came to see.

In movies it takes at least 2 minutes for the police to trace a phone call (and the villain always hangs up just in time), yet my Caller ID box tells me who's calling before I even answer the phone.

In movies or TV shows, when anyone steals a boat, the keys are always in the ignition.

In movies set in the past, someone declares that the popularity of a new invention (railroads, telephone, TV), or famous figure, is a phase that will soon be forgotten. Picasso? He'll never amount to anything!

In movies, all gun shop owners are crooked, willing to sell firearms under the table at the first suggestion that they are offered money to forgo paperwork, waiting periods, etc.

In movies, any file, no matter how crucially important/large can fit onto a standard floppy disk. The entire file will take a matter of seconds to save.

In movies, United Nations is always in session. If you need to make an announcement to the nations of the world, just interrupt the signal on UN's huge video screen in the General Assembly room.

In nearly every movie or television show, a character will at one point splash water on their face when they are in shock, near death, in love, drunk, facing criminals, upset, lost a loved one, killed a loved one, etc.

In New York there is always an empty parking stall right out front.

In old horror and sci-fi movies, teenagers are either A) Victims who will be killed while making out, or B) Witnesses to whatever hideous creature is threatening their town. This latter type will never be believed by adults, especially members of law enforcement.

In order for a foreign student to go to America, that student must have a name that immediately reminds Americans of the student's nationality. (Pierre, Fritz, Inga...)

In poker, winners of big pots always do so with the most improbable hands imaginable. The chances of getting a Royal Flush in real life are one in 650,000. The chances of getting a Royal Flush in a movie, about fifty-fifty.

In science fiction, no matter what sort of jam the heroes are in, they can always get out of it by 'reversing the polarity'.

In situations like the Vietnam war, and violent inner city neighborhoods, the person with the most plans, prospects, and hopes will die.

In soccer gamesi n the movies, the winning goal is usually scored with a spectacular overhead kick, which is not very common in real games.

In sports films, the underdog will win at the last second, and it will be in slow motion.

In the aftermath of a nuclear war, the survivors are suddenly overcome with the urge to dress like punk rockers and heavy metal musicians.

In the city the chase is taking place ,the police are incompetent boobs with inferior cars that will only fall in behind the perpetrator, adding to the destruction.

In the event that an electronic device is not working it can be fixed by simply cracking open the control panel and putting two random wires together causing a spark.

In the first act of a movie, if a man is pictured in his 17th floor office putting golf balls into a cup, or especially into one of those office golf sets, he will have lost everything by the end of the movie.

In the future, everyone will spend their time standing around explaining everyday objects and practices to each other in terms of their Twentieth-Century equivalents.

In the movies, all jazz musicians are junkies/alcoholics, chain-smokes have about once a month, & never, ever have any money.

In the old Wild West all bullets ricocheted with exactly the same sound.

In the West, the favored hand-to-hand combat technique is to throw yourself prostrate on the other guy and hug him.

In wars, the bad guys and the good guys always wear different colors, so that the audience never misses who is killing who.

In Westerns, nobody completely dies from a gunshot wound until he grabs the shot area and falls to the ground.

In Westerns, to start a fight, you must first be playing cards. Then either accuse someone of cheating or starting losing and get upset about it. If the two fighters rise slowly from the table, that is a signal for everyone else to look at each other knowingly, and then leave very quickly. If one of the fighters kicks/throws the table out of the way, that is a signal for everyone else to join in.

In you input a partial password on someone else's computer, the system will give you additional prompts that will enable you to guess the rest.

Incoming asteroids spend several minutes in Earth's atmosphere.

Incriminating evidence can be found either as photograph number four in a stack, or in the next to bottom drawer.

Incriminating evidence will always be found as photograph number four in a stack, or in the next to bottom drawer. Important data storage will have labels like "tape of Senator Foggbotham with underage girl" or "List of all nuclear launch codes."

Inertial dampers will always prevent passengers from being plastered against the walls during acceleration into warp speed, yet any explosion will send passengers reeling across the room.

Inside a prison there is always a boss among the convicts. Usually he's black, blind and crippled surrounded by tough black musclemen, and he is the one the white hero has to see to get something.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any person or creature from anywhere in the universe.

Interrogation rooms will have one swinging light for the cop to flash the suspect in the face.

Is you computer transferring a file too slowly? Simply repeat the words 'come on, come on' in an anxious voice, & the giant blue downloading bar will finish.

It always seems that when you have a small picture or you want to see something in the distance on a picture, you can just magnify it and then enhance it.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

It doesn't matter how close you are to death, (even if you have a serious head injury) you always have a good 10-20 minutes to give a very descriptive, sentimental monologue.

It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors

It has never come into consideration that someone may want to read the book that triggers the secret door

It is absolutely essential that the main sports star of a movie have some horrific accident in the most crucial game of the season yet somehow manage to scrape his mangled body from the field and continue. The said sports star will undoubtedly score the winning goal/basket/touchdown etc and will recover from his accident within thirty seconds.

It is always personal for the hero. If the hero is a cop, he/she is always pushed back by their superiors and will somehow take justice into their own hands.

It is always possible to enhance any video footage from any source using a computer.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

It is always winter in the Soviet Union.

It is not necessary to plug electric guitars into amplifiers in the movies. You can play anywhere with full tonality.

It is not necessary to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" when beginning or ending phone conversations.

It is possible to guess someone's password in just a few guesses. More than likely, it will be the name of their dog or one of their children.

It is possible to use a helicopter to sneak up on someone.

It is standard army training procedure that the brightest, most promising recruit will always be forced to wash an immense latrine armed only with their toothbrush.

It takes a few days of training to transform a group of peasants into an well organised army able to storm any castle or defeat large amounts or heavily armed knights.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane, provided there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

It's easy to pull the pin on a grenade with your teeth.

It's easy to walk through an unfamiliar forest on a moonless night.

It's impossible to solve a case unless the hero has been taken officially off of it.

It's only the fact that everything is locked into an orbit which prevents collisions in our solar system. Any asteroid that gets loose is certain to crash into Earth within a matter of hours.

Just before the hero cop is about to crack the case he always needs another 48 hours from the angry police lieutenant. He then goes straight to the guy on the street who knows everyone bad and everything they've ever done who tells him who the bad guy is.

Keys from any policeman's belt will unlock handcuffs put on by any other policeman.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

Landlords and landladies are not particularly intelligent, but they remember everything about everybody who ever visited a murdered tenant.

Laptops are shutdown by simply closing the screen on top of the keyboard.

Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.

Large groups of nuns always seem to be crossing the street during a car chase.

Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed

Laser beams are easily visible in space.

Lawyers frequently call witnesses to the stand with no idea of what they are going to say. Fortunately, the good lawyer generally has some kind of revelation (often in the form of a flashback) that tells him/her what questions to ask. This inspired questioning often causes the witness to confess

Light level is not a reliable gauge of whether it's night outside. You have to judge by the cricket noises.

Bombs: All time-bombs use a red digital display to show the countdown.

Bosses, whatever you do please don't fire your top computer specialist/electronics expert/scientist. He may be a mild mannered geek to you but when fired he will turn into a psychopath, hell-bent on revenge against you, the government and society at large. A curious side effect of his unemployment will be his increased athletic ability, marksmanship, combat skills, the ability to absorb great pain as well as forging working contacts with criminals, terrorists and mercenaries.

Briefcases are designed to hold exactly three rows of banknotes. As if it had power by itself money likes to be sorted in nice packs and rows, even if it had been thrown into the briefcase ba a terrified casher at a bank.

British people in movies are always posh, rich snobs and use the phrase bloody hell in every sentence.

Bullets removed from shooting victims and displayed to the camera will not be misshapen in any way from the impact - and will sometimes still have the casing attached.

Bullets shot at a helicopter bounce off the fiberglass and aluminum "fuselage" components but make neat little holes through the plexiglass bubble.

Bullets, even though they are only pieces of lead-sometimes encased in copper, always make little explosions when they strike any kind of inanimate object.

But with only two airplane-mounted lasers, it instead instantly explodes into thousands of pieces. Astronomers are very surprised that it wasn't literally destroyed.

By the 24th century the concepts of circuit breakers, fuses, and uninterruptable power supplies will have been lost.

By turning slightly to one side as he leaps, a hero is usually capable of crashing through any large glass window or door without suffering anything but the most minor injury.

Cab drivers have no problem getting involved in car chases, and are usually pretty good at driving at high speed.

Cab drivers have no problem hanging around waiting for heroes to run in and have long conversations with bad guys.

Cannons, howitzers, and main tank guns NEVER recoil, unless its old documentary footage.

Car chases: If you're trying to get away the car won't start until you give it a few tries. It will inevitably get on the pavement and hit the vegetables of the Korean greengrocer. During chases, police cars will get battered more than the others.

Car engines always rattle and sputter loudly when they are about to run out of fuel.

Car tires "always" screech on dirt roads.

Cars chasing each other in the middle of a city will not suffer enough damage to stop the chase.

Cars often end up on cliff-edges with 2 wheels in the open air. The good guys are saved just before the car falls over, the bad guys join the car in the free fall, often caused by a bird setting down on the part of the car hanging over the edge.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

Cars: No one ever bothers to lock their cars when getting out.

Cats are spring-loaded, and are most commonly found inside closets or cabinets which are equipped with doors that can't be operated by cats.

Caves always have flat floors, and it's never fully dark.

Characters arrive at the airport and get right on the plane. They must have the best timing of any people on Earth - I always have wait around for a while before boarding. (Not to mention getting a boarding pass and the "arrive 15 minutes before departure or you lose your seat" clause of most airlines. Good thing movie airlines never overbook!)

Characters shot with guns will fly backward, or upward and backward, through the air - the laws of physics notwithstanding.

Characters that get shot will never go into shock.

Characters use silencers on revolvers... and it works.

Characters who need glasses will be nearly blind without them. The character or someone else will inevitably step on the glasses breaking them.

Chases will always stop to throw obstacles (trash cans, lumber, chairs) in their pursuers' way. No matter that they take three times as long to dump the obstacles as it takes the chasers to simply jump over them.

Chat programs always transmit the message one character at a time as it is being typed (in real life you generally get to finish your sentence and then press 'Enter'.)

Checking the bill in restaurants/bars, there is never a problem.

Chess players in movies are always all around brilliant and charming people.

Chloroform is always available when you need it for kidnappings.

Chess players who are really behind come up with brilliant ways to win anyway.

Choking will only take place in a crowded restaurant, and the victim will usually be able to tell you if he is choking.

Circuit breakers don't work.

Clasping your hands together and hitting the bad guy's back will also guarantee unconsciousness

Clones will always have the same memories as the original, but due to a glitch or flaw in the cloning process, the clone's moral base will be different than the original's. Also, clones will invariably hate or envy the original and will either try to kill him or will screw up their lives by pretending to be the original and publicly engaging in illegal and/or immoral behavior.

Clothes: When you steal clothes from a washline, they will be a perfect fit.

College classes are in a huge rooms with the floor at different levels.

Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.

Computer viruses always attack immediately - no Trojan horses, no requirement to reboot.

Conversation: In intimate conversation, both people face the camera, so that one is talking to the other's back. Sometimes they both face the window and talk to the landscape.

Cooks on submarines are generally the least clean individual in terms of appearance.

Coroners/medical examiners always eat around dead bodies, usually a sandwich or pizza. Often, they'll set their food on the sheet covering the corpse's body.

Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

Days before giving birth, a woman will get in a perilous situation (earthquake, flood, potential plane crash, etc.).

Dead people can always be revived by either shouting at them or by holding their hand and telling them that you love them while letting a single tear fall on his/her forehead.

Deadly reptiles will always attack a woman first, even if she's in the presence of thirty men.

Dedicate a song to your loved one on the radio. Your lover will always be listening to it when your dedication airs.

Despite the fact that no living person, even on a clear day with a map and two state troopers providing an escort, can negotiate the Los Angeles freeway system without getting lost, nearly-blown-up women can drive through the shattered ruins of a decimated Los Angeles straight to El Toro

Detectives only work one case at a time. A new crime will not occur until the current one is solved.

Detectives always exchange glances when speaking to a suspect.

Diaries, Condoms, love letters etc. always just happen to fall unto the floor out of lockers, back packs and jackets. In the case of a diary it always opens to any incriminating evidence.

Disabled airplanes always crash and explode after dropping out of sight over a hill.

Dogs always know who's bad, and bark at them. If the bad guy is really evil, in which case the dog will bark, then whine and run away in fear.

Don't give the person on the other end of the phone time to say what they have to.

Driving through a remote area greatly increases the chance of a breakdown or flat tire.

Duels usually have one scene where the actors go out of frame and you watch their shadows fighting.
During a duel, if there are stairs, the hero will be forced up them backwards by the villain, at which point the hero will either leap to the ground or swing from a rope/chandelier/tapestry to get away.

During a duel, if there is a tapestry or chandelier, the hero will cut it loose and drop it on the villain's henchmen unless the movie is a comedy, in which case the hero will drop it on his own men by accident.

During a duel, the hero will jump or climb onto a table/bench/piano/platform that raises him above the villain. At that point, the villain will swipe at the hero's legs, which the hero avoids by jumping up in the air over the villain's blade.

During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

During an interrogation at the precinct, the person being interrogated will be left alone in the interview room, allowing them time to bang away and scream blindly at people on the other side of the two-way mirror.

During any male to female argument, the woman will most likely spout What is that supposed to mean?

During conversation at the dinner table, the person who's not doing the talking usually picks on his/her food, then pointing the utensil when he/she is about to make a comment

Dying people always spit out a mouthful of blood, regardless of their injury.

Eating dinner: If a woman prepares a romantic candlelight dinner, the fellow won't show up. If they've just got together, they eat from Chinese take-away boxes, preferably sitting on the bare floor.

Eclipses happen frequently, and without any warning.

Eight to ten-year-old kids are the best computer hackers on earth and can break into any system.

Electricity will travel any distance through water to electrocute the villain, rather than go immediately to ground (e.g. a toaster tossed into the shallow end of a swimming pool will nail the bad guy over by the diving board).

Electronic systems that fail, or computers that crash signify this by showering sparks out of the cabinet they are housed in.

Elementary school teachers 3rd grade and below are female, in their twenties, kind, and gorgeous.
Elite units (Special Forces, Rangers, Commandos) are always recruited from convicts and other socially degenerate segments of society.

Elite units are always considered expendable even though they cost much much more to train and maintain.

Enemy evasion is as simple as entering a bathroom and standing on a toilet seat.

Engagement: When falling in love you say "I want you to have mother's ring, it's a family heirloom". When separating you should return the ring, though in extreme cases you can throw it into the river/ocean/well.

English teachers only teach Shakespeare.

Even an 8-year-old kid can break into the FBI's computers.

Even the most organized troupe of soldiers will wait until they are in the helicopter on the way to their mission before loading their weapons with ammunition.

Even the most stupid bad guy can remember the most complex instructions given by a mob boss.

Even weapons experts will freeze when confronted with a weapon which is not in firing condition-ie an un-cocked single action revolver or a submachine gun with its breech closed (also un-cocked). The person holding the gun must make several moves to fire the gun, and the adversary could just reach out and take the weapon, but the dropee just freezes even though often it is obvious that the cylinder is devoid of any ammo.

Even when depicted as foreigners (including aliens from outer space) all actors speak and understand a common language (usually English) unless the film's plot depends on a language barrier.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

Ever noticed that a assassin or sniper always carries his gun around in a case. And he has to assemble the parts of his gun at his hidden position. No matter how good a hit or kill is being prepared. The gunman never assembles (and tests!) his gun before he is in position

Every action on a computer requires a progress bar and it always reaches 100% right before disaster is about to strike.

Every army platoon has at least one, usually black, member who can play the harmonica.

Every character in movies drinks there coffee black. and always is a regular at a local cafe/restaurant where the old and graying waitress calls him sweetheart or darling. this creates the sensitive side of the hero and creates an outlet in which the female lead can fall deeply, madly in love with him.

Every company has it's own operating system, hardly anybody uses Windows

Every decade has their cliche songs that, as soon as you hear it, you know it signifies the full stretch of that decade. These are often employed to fill viewers with nostalgia, real or imagined, for that by-gone time we are now going back to.

Every employee of air traffic control, or mission control in space movies, is a chain smoker.

Every family has an up-to-date family photo on or near the mantelpiece.

All police investigations involve going to at least one strip club.

All pregnant women must eat constantly and only weird combinations of food.

All ships/asteroids/comets on their way to Earth, must first go past Saturn.

All South American countries speak Spanish.

All space suits have exposed air hoses running from a back pack to the helmet. This insures that the hose will be violently disconnected or damaged by some object or person.

All spaceships need to make a large banking turn when flying through the vacuum of space.

All spaceships, no matter how small, have internal artificial gravity and no matter how badly your ship gets pummeled by the evil aliens in the evil alien ship, no matter how many external panels get blown away, no matter how many sparks or how much smoke pours out of your control panels, the artificial gravity will always keep working.

All sub machine guns sound alike and have the same rate of fire.

All Swedish women are blonde with blue eyes, between 20 and 30 years old, working as a nurse, and named Inga.

All teenagers' bedrooms have a handy climbable tree outside the window, up which the youngster's secret boyfriend/girlfriend or forbidden rebellious best friend will climb to for clandestine meetings with said teenager.

All telephone calls have information important to the plot. No one ever receives a call from a telemarketer or a wrong number.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

All televisions show cowboy-and-indian chase scenes a large proportion of the time.

All the movie lovers have a very very fresh breath in the morning after they wake up and can kiss before eating breakfast or using a mouthwash.

All the women resist being kissed by the hero at first (sometimes they give him one on his face) but after he has kissed them by force they give in and kiss back with such an unbelievable passion.

Every family has at least one home video of a young son or daughter blowing out candles on a birthday cake. This is usually viewed in darkness by a sobbing parent after the child has been abducted or has died.

Every great action saga has a who's with me scene in which the ambitious hero, after announcing his suicidal plan to attack an entire army head-on, asks now, who's with me?. The token weakling/coward will always be one of the last to say I'm with you.

Every helicopter shutting down emits the chirp-chirp-chirp sound of the rubber drive belts disengaging, in spite of the fact that only the famous Bell 47G (the Mash chopper) actually makes this sound.

Every high school library has hundreds of books on Satanism, demonology, and the black arts

Every judge who is near to retirement loves fishing in his free time.

Every library has a small bust of a president or composer

Every neighborhood has at least one jogger.

Every nightmare must have at least two awakenings in which the 'real' world is another nightmare.

Every semi truck makes the same horn sound when it encounters a near-miss by an oncoming car.

Every single American Police station always has at least 2 mouthy prostitutes who are being booked in.

Every time a bullet that hits the side of a helicopter or airplane it leaves a hole that begins trickling fluid and the engine immediately starts to shut down.

Every time some guy walks into a bar, usually the hero, he gets into a fight. Usually right under a BUDWEISER sign (see "product placement"). Likelihood of fight increases if country music is playing in the background.

Every time someone is going to take a pill in a bathroom, the camera films the person from behind the medicine cabinet, showing all the things inside it, like toothbrush, toothpaste and a few medicines.

Every town has an inspiration point overlooking that town that no one else goes to. It's a place where the main male character goes to think.

Every unit has a "Scrounge" who can get you anything from an atomic bomb to a date with the general's daughter for a bottle of cheap scotch, or vice-versa.

Everybody in a movie who eats Chinese food is an expert at using chopsticks

Everybody in authority will ignore the pleadings of the scientific expert. The mountain is about to blow, The river is infested with man eaters, etc. Often times the authority has brought the expert in, but they choose to ignore them anyway. In many cases, the authority is corrupt, tied to a lucrative land deal or such.

Everyone in a scene involving a bed sleeps with a pile of pillows under his/her head placing the neck at an impossible angle.

Everyone knows the words to every song you want to sing and will sing along with you. They can even carry the solo part so that they can sing the song back to you, even if they have never heard the song until you sang half of it.

Everyone who dies in a movie has a Prostestant or Catholic funeral. The minister and priest will almost always be old and will seem to know the family. No one ever has a secular funeral, and certainly no one has a non-Christian funeral.

Everyone who joins an Airborne (parachute) outfit doesn't understand why anyone would jump out of perfectly good airplane.

Everything is blue at night-time.

Everytime a pregnant woman has to lose her unborn baby she falls from a stairway

Everytime a scene is shot outside of an airport, the background noise always includes a man or women announcing that the white zone is for loading and unloading of passengers only.

Everytime someone is in emergency and chaos is all around trying to keep the patient alive, someone (a friend, lover or relative) is in the way. The Doctor always says, get 'em out of here! The visitor never leaves on the first try, then some nurse leads them out sobbing.

Everywhere in London is within earshot of Big-Ben.

Evil geniuses who devise bombs to destroy things/people always have them detonate after at least an hour, giving the hero ample time to defuse it.

Explosions always happen in slow motion. When an explosion occurs, make certain you are running away from the point of detonation so the blast can send you flying, in slow motion, toward the camera.

Explosions in space not only makes a lot of noise, but also fire and a lot of smoke.

Exposure to vacuum makes you horribly swell up and/or explode within seconds.

Ex-wives are seldom remarried, but should they be so our hero will walk up to the house, look in through the window at her happy new family (which will always be at home, no matter what the time of day), before turning away sadly.

Falling in love: Love has many faces, in film too, but if the parties are opposites success is assured: him serious, her fickle; her serious, him wild. The first meeting involves a mishap, some confusion, a mistaken identity or perhaps a collision, be it in a corridor or in a motorcar.

Falling: Women fall when chased. If there's a man around, he'll pick her to her feet and help her run.

Fancy restaurants always have snooty guy at the front asking for reservations.

Fans of heavy metal music always ride motor bikes and work for the bad guy.

Fat boys in films inevitably choose to wear shirts with horizontal stripes.

Fat kids never have real names and are only referred to by a stupid nickname.

Fighting: You can neutralize two hoodlums by knocking their heads together. If you win at the end, you must lose the first round. No matter what happens, the hero and the villain will have their final, one-on-one fight.

Film cars do not have inside rear-view mirrors. Most of them do, however, have an approximately 1" gray spot on the inside of the windshield where the mirror would normally mount.

Firefighters all have fathers that died in the line of duty that were firemen.

Firing a gun (regardless of its size and power) never seems to cause ear damage or even temporary deafness, unless on a firing range, where ear protection is required.

First aid kits are always fully stocked and easy to locate.

Forensics: The most inarticulate detective can ask the lab to perform the most elaborate tests. Most lab workers are members of minority/disadvantaged groups: Blacks, Asians, Hispanics, women and the elderly.

Fox holes never have overhead protection, or grenade pits.

Freeze frame is flawless.

Full moon can occur for several nights in a row.

Funeral scenes are all filmed from a high angle panning down slowly for the intro shot with the minister quietly murmuring ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Then cut to the closeup panning from the spouse to the children, etc. Then cut to the person (secret lover/murderer/cop who couldn't save them/psychic/deadbeat brother) lurking within earshot but hiding behind the giant virgin Mary headstone, who will slip off quietly to wreak havoc later (probably before the reading of the will)

Funerals are always held on cloudy or rainy days, Always well attended no matter how beloved or despised the deceased was, and never cremations.

Gangster's Briefcases either contain weapons or banknotes. No one ever got coins at a robbery.

Geniuses, child prodigies, and masterminds (evil and otherwise), are always male. Movies never portray women geniuses.

German soldier always wear gray uniforms and jack-boots, though these uniforms were pretty much phased out by mid-1943.

German soldiers have no peripheral vision, so it is possible to hide ina narrow doorway or alcove and not be seen as they run past.

Girls are always taken completely by surprise by their first period.

Girls who can't find a date to the prom in high school films are usually the girls that, in most high schools, would have almost every teenage boy asking them.

Give a man one gun and he's Superman. Give him two, and he's God.

Glasses: Computer geeks and "intelligent" persons use them, action heroes never have glasses.

Glasses never collect moisture when you come in from the cold outside.

Glasses: Glasses are a handicap. Men in glasses are, heaven forbid, "Philosophers", "Scientists", "Teachers", "Intellectuals". When a man becomes an active hero, his eyesight becomes 20-20 and he doesn't need glasses any more. Women who wear glasses are sexually repressed. When they loosen up the glasses disappear. If they wear contacts, one will fall to the ground and everyone will drop to the floor to look for it.

Good chess players are always portrayed as upper class.

Good chess players can see fifteen or twenty moves ahead, in detail, from a middle game, where there are still many pieces on the board.

Great Chess players are always honored to play on some rich guy's fancy foreign art set. (In reality, better players are almost always adamant about playing on a plain, unadorned wood or plastic set. No red or blue pieces, no ceramic or metal, no elephants for rooks.)

Grocery bags always have something sticking out of the top...usually a big loaf of French bread, but sometimes leafy greens, like lettuce or carrot tops.

Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always find a new one lying around the next time you need one.

Guns can be fired up into the air, but the bullets never come down.

Guns never run out of ammunition unless escape would be otherwise impossible.

Guns only run out of bullets at an important moment in a movie, never during normal gun use. Hand to hand combat usually follows. When a gun is empty you have two options. Throw it aside in disgust or toss it at the badguy/goodguy

Gunshot wounds will not disable you as long as you still have an important task left to do.

Guy 1 insults Guy 2. Guy 2 turns 180 degrees like maybe he's just gonna walk away but instead takes a huge punch at Guy 1.

Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

Health: Coughing is a symptom of a terminal disease.

Heavy rain causes no loss of long-distance visibility.

Helicopters can fly in between skyscrapers and around them in tight corners and no one on the ground notices or cares.

Helicopters can sneak up on people. They won't hear the deafening roar of a helicopter's engine until it is literally above their heads.

Helpful villagers in remote locales who are otherwise illiterate or incredibly primitive always have at least one resident who speaks remarkably good English--always helpful for the hero or heroine who has just been lost/abandoned/left for dead by the villain or a plot device.

Hero will at some point come to possess two hand guns during a gun fight, during which he will perform a spectacular slow-motion sideways roll to safety while firing the two guns.

Heroes always have to either borrow or steal a cellphone.

Heroes are always called to duty (by their boss, the head of the secret agency for which they work, their ex-partner who is now in trouble, etc.) while in bed with a beautiful woman just after an apparent love-making session. While the hero is apprised of the details of the new assignment, the girl either: 1) gets dressed in the background, or 2) tries to re-interest the hero in another session. In the latter scenario, she begs from the bed for him to return under the sheets, when he hangs up and dresses to leave.

 As soon as a beautiful actress makes herself ugly, plain, fatter or into a
man, she will win an Oscar

Whenever a character goes and meets someone at a bar, they order a
drink but always leave before they get it or don't drink it.

Women who get wet will always be wearing a white shirt.

In army films there is ALWAYS a character called Kawalsky.

You often see a white man in love with an african-american woman but
you never see an african-american man with a white woman (If there is,
there's always trouble surrounding it)

When the main character breaks out into song and dance, everyone around him/her
knows the song and dance perfectly and always joins in.

A customer's request to follow that car is never questioned by the cab driver.

If a chase occurs in New Orleans, it is always Mardi Gras at the time.

All teenage girls have pink telephones in their bedrooms.

All rumors described as superstitious nonsense will, without fail, turn out to be true.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

All kid's bicycles have bells.

A bad guy will always fall on something pointy when thrown from a high place, while an ordinary person who has nothing to do with the plot will fall on a car.

The father always goes against the cop's wishes and makes an attempt to pay the ransom.

In war, good guys have feelings for there comrades, while the bad guys tend to not notice their friends get shot.

Los Angeles is the disaster movie capital of the world. Whether it's earthquakes, volcanoes, freak asteroid showers or just bad luck, you can bet it's set in LA. Ironically, this is the place that all the movie producers choose to live.

If someone is shot in the forehead, a little hole will appear and a trickle of blood will come out of it.

The weak member of any gang will only die after he/she has performed a memorable act of courage.

High Schools are always either in the middle of a city or a car ride away from the beach.

A baseball hitting a flood light causes the entire grid of floodlights to explode and drop sparks straight down to the middle of the field.

When the hero thinks he has killed the monster he will never stab the monster again to insure it's death

A beautiful woman appears very interested in a very ugly man. Of course the man sees nothing wrong with this, but the whole female audience knows that she is up to no good and she is only using him as a means to an end.

A building that in real life would require several dozen carefully placed explosive charges for demolition, can in a movie be destroyed by a single bomb in a car trunk. This bomb will cause no damage to any other building on the block.

A bullet that has the power to blast the recipient six feet into the air does not have the power upon discharge to make the shooter even flinch.

A call comes into a big police station. A flunkey gets the call covers the mouthpeice with his hand and says, Detective #### I think it's the killer! The detective without looking at the phone, stabs his finger and somehow always hits the correct line to talk to the killer? Must be a slow night, only one line lit.

A car that crashes will always explode in a ball of flames, but not until the hero can pull the important passengers to safety, and yell, "Watch out! She's gonna blow!"

A car that drives under the trailer of a semi will be transformed into a comical, but otherwise fully-functional convertible. No passengers will be hurt by twisted metal, flying glass etc.

A car will always explode when shot at, unless the hero is driving it.

A character in emotional turmoil will often get the urge to have a bath. Once in the bath they will spend at least a minute staring into the middle distance after which they will always submerge their whole head in the water.

A character turns on the radio just in time to hear a special announcement or some important news item. Then turns the radio off.

A character will be gulping down milk, beer, or coffee while he is told exciting/incredible/shocking news, causing him to spit whatever he was drinking all over (in comedies, directly into the speaker's face).

A cigarette case/lighter in the shirt pocket will always block the bullet.

A competent knife thrower can work equally well with throwing knives, Swiss Army knives, butcher knives, table knives or swords.

A computer can be turned on by accessing it via modem.

A cup of black coffee/splash of cold water in face is enough to render the most inebriated person stone cold sober in a split second.

A dying person's last words will always be coherent and significant.

A facial scar is likely to make you go insane and seek revenge for the rest of your life.

A female lead with feminist leanings will always despise a macho hero--until the first time he rescues her from certain death. She will then become totally conventional and dependent. Once she does this, the hero will become vulnerable and tell her about some tragic loss that will explain his belligerent attitude.

A fight will always end up in water, if any is available nearby.

A firefighters' truck, hearse or other slow heavy vehicle driven by the hero can outrun any regular car and police motorbike you care to name.

A four-mile-wide nickel asteroid (which would have a mass of about a trillion tons) can be destroyed -- literally destroyed, so that nothing remains -- by three airplane-mounted lasers.

A good chase ain't a good chase unless they run through a busy kitchen.

A good guy comes up behind a prowling and unsuspecting bad guy (or visa versa) and the former asks, Looking for something/someone?

A good person will always die in the presence of friends.

A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

A hero will show no pain even during the most terrific beating, yet he will wince if a women attempts to clean a facial wound.

A hero's finishing move is often ridiculously protracted - e.g. a running flying kick from 10 feet away - but the bad guy will never use that lead time to get out of the way. After being pummeled, his reactions have been so dulled that he can no longer defend himself even though he can see the blow coming from, well, 10 feet away.

A high school boy, no matter what he may look like, act like, or how strange he may be, always manages to capture the heart of the school's most popular girl.

A hollowed out bible can contain any weapon known to man.

A hysterical, screaming woman can always be immediately calmed down by a slap across the face from a man. Often the woman will then thank the man for slapping her.

A kid always knows more than an adult.

A kid can fend for himself even if his parents have gone to Paris, leaving him with no food, electricity, heat, money, etc.

A leap from a hotel roof is completely safe as long as you can land in the pool.

A librarian will always let you stay late.

A lost hand either comes crawling back, or a mad surgeon will replace it with one transplanted from an executed strangler.

A lot of car chases takes place either when children are going to or coming home from school thus holding up the chase at crosswalks.

A lot of cops twist a toothpick around in their mouths. The toothpick twisting cops usually tend to notice stuff.

A male character dressed as a woman (usually in comedies) is sure to be found attractive by another male, usually one of the bad guys or a police officer.

A malfunctioning or burnt light bulb usually means that someone is hiding in the room, ready to jump on our hero/heroine while he/she's busy hitting the switch or tapping the bulb.

A man can be talked into doing anything if a sketchy woman he has just met and who obviously has ulterior motives offers to have sex with him.

A message in Morse Code will start several seconds before someone actually interprets it; however, no information is lost, as the message actually begins when the interpreter starts to read it.

A mile-wide asteroid can mostly burn up in the atmosphere, causing it to do only a relatively small amount of damage (bursting a dam) when it strikes.

A million dollars in cash or cocaine will invariably take up exactly the amount of space available in your briefcase.

A monster can always sneak up on you, no matter how big or clumsy it is.

A mother will always find their teenage girl's diary while putting away laundry and it will always happen after the girl has had some life changing experience like a first kiss, although the mother has put away the clothes at least a thousand times before.

A movie teenager will always have a drainpipe situated next to his or her window. This drainpipe will be specially reinforced to hold their weight on escape.

A new law school graduate or burnt-out has-been will be asked to take on a career-making case and will flounder around at first due to lack of skill and training. But adrenaline and inspiration will kick in (generally accompanied by music from a swelling orchestra), which beats skill, training, and experience any day.

A normal 3.5 inch disk always contains a vast amount of data.

A person clinging to the roof of a vehicle will have superhuman strength and will be very difficult to shake off.

A person is placing a phone call to a company, such as Sports Illustrated. The phone at the other end is picked up, and the person PLACING the call says, "Hello, Sports Illustrated?", as if they are checking to make sure they called the right place. What this means is that at a major company, someone is answering the phone with hello and that's it. Not "hello, Sports Illustrated, can I help you?" or anything like that, just "Hello".

A person shot to death will immediately do just that - die. Their bodies do not flop and jerk around for a few minutes as the muscles contract involuntarily and sporadically as the brain dies a slow electro-chemical death (as with real gun-shot deaths).

A person watching security screens is always either sleeping or reading porno magazines.

A person will let go of his weapon on the THIRD time his hand is bashed against a railing.

A programmer or hacker will make fewer mistakes if a gun is pointed to his head.

A pudgy older star who's visibly falling behind his partner during a chase scene will catch up with him while the camera's looking away.

A pursued hero, with the bad guys just yards behind him, can jump into a shutdown helicopter, run through the twenty-five item startup checklist, engage and spin up the rotors, take off and be out of pistol range before the bad guys catch up.

A ringing phone is usually picked up within 3 seconds.

A river from a burst dam can exactly keep pace with a pickup truck for several minutes. It will then obligingly pause as the pickup truck turns around and goes in another direction.

A serial killer will cover the walls of his room with evidence (newspaper clippings, photos, etc.) of his crimes, even if he still lives at home with his mother. His mother will have no idea what is going on.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.

A slight blow to the head can cause total amnesia, but neither that nor a blow sufficient to knock a person unconscious is enough to cause concussion or other brain damage.

A snowglobe will normally be of emotional importance, often to a child and or childhood experience. It will fall to the floor at a necessary dramatic moment, in slow motion, and be smashed to smithereens.

A stand-in will eclipse a star on his/her first performance.

A sure indication that something of a paranormal sort is occurring is the explosion of every light bulb in the place, with showers of sparks.

A teenager who is in love with the older hero (>10 years or so older) will never have his/her affections returned by the hero. The hero will fob off the teenager politely and will thereafter play a father/mother role to them.

A villain will always commit murder right in front of the window when someone with binoculars is watching.

A virus causes your desktop to animate into a fuzzy image or a screen saver that tells you your screwed.

A wacky bunch of misfits inevitably pulls things together and wins the league championship.

A woman who fires a gun will always fire all the rounds one after the other.

A woman who gets fed up with the hero and says, I won't be here when you get back never carries out the threat.

A woman will regain her figure within days of giving birth.

Acid applied by the villain to the hero's brake lines never has any effect unless the car is heading down a steep, winding road. Cars at traffic lights have invulnerable brake lines.

Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.

Actors singing in the shower are always out of tune.

Adults siblings confront the issue of sibling rivalry once and for all only on holidays or at funerals, and only when a competitive situation comes up, like shooting baskets or giving mom a gift. After a lot of screaming, they claim to have always wanted what the other had: You're the pretty one! And you're the smart one!

After a car crash, no movie character ever sits and shakes for five minutes, or becomes incoherent with shock.

After a funeral, everyone leaves in black cars -- no one seems to use a regular car. Everyone is parked right next the funeral plot no one has to walk very far.

After a victim has been rescued by the police, he or she will always stand outside next to a police car, draped with a blanket.

After a violent storm has ended, the sun will immediately come out, flowers will bloom ,and a bird will begin singing.

After fleeing a monster, you will want to call for help from a public phone within ten feet of where you last saw the monster.

Aliens usually speak english and have same colloquialisms. planet.

All automatic weapons must be cocked in order to be fired, but bolt action weapons can fire two or three times without being cocked!

All alien planets have only one climate each, for example desert planets, ice and snow planets, jungle planets.

All aliens have single monolithic culture: one language, one religion, one outfit, one planet.

All amplifiers will emit smoke if they blow.

All beds have special "L"-shaped sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All bomb makers adhere to a strict color coding scheme for the internal wiring of their bombs, and will always use the right color wire so that the know-it-all on the phone can safely explain to the idiot with the wire cutters exactly which wire to cut and in what order.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

All bombs must be made so that they have hundreds of wires, tick, and have a timer.

All cars seem to run on kerosene rather than gasoline (hence the copious black smoke when they burn).

All characters in a movie have their watches perfectly synchronized.

All characters in film or on TV dream as though they were operating a camera. No one dreams or has flashbacks from their own viewpoint, they always see the action as an outside observer.

All characters keep detailed news clippings of important events in their lives, particularly those events that must be painful to recall, such as the loss of the character's immediate family due to their own negligence.

All Clowns are evil, unless its a murder mystery set at a circus, and then they are simply victims of some maniac.
All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.

All computer users, regardless of the character type, will either kiss the monitor, or say "I love you" repeatedly after the computer finishes some vital task, right before picking up a jacket and running out the door.

All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

All computers in movies are controlled only by keyboard only, no mouse.

All female reporters are gutsy and idealistic but all male reporters are cynical hacks and will lie cheat and steal to get a story.

All fights taking place on the edge of a canyon, tall building, or other high place require at least one bad guy to get plugged by a bullet, arrow, or other missile weapon, causing to fall, but keeping him alive enough to hear his scream of terror echo as he plunges to his doom.

All foreign exchange students come to America wearing the traditional clothes of their homelands. I guess they do this so that their temporary parents can identify them at the airport. (Honey, I don't see him. There he is. See the boy in the leiderhosen?)

All G.I.s know how to make a still out of a jeep radiator.

All geeky or nerdy characters are inherently subject to motion sickness or fear of some mode of travel.

All grenades are thrown with an overarm 'cricket style' movement and still manage to hit the target exactly

All hero divers, no matter how deep they go, may stay down for as long as they want, never run out of air (unless it's part of the story), and come to the surface as fast as they can swim or be pulled without suffering any ill effects

All hero news reporters are borderline alcoholics, divorced at least once, either childless or rarely in touch with their children, whom they mysteriously nonetheless profess to adore above all else. The hero news reporter counts his aged dad among his drinking buddies. His mother is referred to with teary nostalgia by the aged dad.

All home made alcohol, when first tasted, is required to be sprayed from the mouth in utter revulsion.

All important files are in handily named folders / directories easily found without searching.

All Italian restaurants have red & white checkered table cloths, large bottles of wine with wicker baskets encasing them on the tables or hanging from the ceiling, and a man with a moustache in a Chef-Boy-Ardee outfit who speaks in Italian-English.

All libraries are huge neo-classicalist revival buildings and have lions out front. Same thing with museums.

All loose ends are always tied up.

All medieval movie archers (like in Robin Hood films) have their quiver of arrows strapped to their backs rather than hanging from their sides.

All members of alien species wear the same outfits, including clothing, hairstyles, and jewelry. This makes them readily identifiable. Aliens who do not dress like aliens are hiding something. This may, in fact, be a consequence of the fact that aliens all have single, monolithic cultures: one language, one religion, one outfit, per planet.

All minorities possess mystical knowledge. If they wind up in a fight where their choice of method is either Western technology or some kinda mystical tribal thing, the fight cannot end until the former has failed them and the latter has been invoked.

All monitors display inch-high letters.

All mourners are dressed in somber black clothes -- suits, dresses and topcoats. If the deceased is a man the widow almost always wears a wide-brimmed hat, sometimes a veil and is always wears make-up. At the very least her hair will be done. Someone will have an arm around her, or else she will holding a child's hand. Unless she is a mother character and then wears a little pill box hat that went out of style in the sixties. Someone will always be wearing pearls. All the ladies will have nice earrings on. Men never cry, but sometimes there is a one camera shot of a female character dabbing her eyes with a hanky.

All movie babies are born HUGE, usually the size of the average two month old.

All movie mothers will prepare a breakfast every monring, usually consisting of scrambled eggs, bacon, etc. Dad and the kids will invariably arrive at the table 30 seconds before Dad has to leave for the office and the kids have to catch the school bus. Each will have time only for a sip of coffee/juice and/or one bite of toast.

All movie women must be pulled along by their hands, even if the male puller is short & fat and the woman is a track star.

All movie women try to run in heels, never stopping to kick them off.

All movie wounds bleed, and the amount of bleeding is much more than that of a real wound of same size and severity.

All nerds will attempt to fight Irish-style (fists high, at or above their head) when insulted -- though their opponent will never accept the challenge.

All nuns seem to travel in pairs.

All people in dance clubs will enthusiastically dance to whatever music is currently playing.

All police are extremely incompetent and will do the most moronic things possible and die very quickly, unless they are part of a special unit.

All too many times a Hollywood car chase will be interupted by the emergence of a semi from a driveway, alley, or street, resulting in the escape of the hunted, or the death of an expendable character.

All u-shaped, wood-plank bridges collapse soon after contact with the heroes.

All VCRs in films are always cued up exactly to the portion of tape you want to show someone.

All watches can be synchronized to the same time or countdown by just pressing a button on the watch no matter of type or make.

All bomb wires have different colors, so the hero can easily differentiate them when he has to cut the right one.

All women moan during sex, but none sweat.

All writers are wealthy; all publishing companies are glamorous; all artists are self-supporting and have large attractive well-lit loft studios.

Almost all teenagers have perfect skin, but on the rare occasion that they get a zit, it is always right in the middle of their nose.

Almost every game of checkers ever played ends with one party (usually the underdog) winning the match by means of the dreaded triple-jump, or the even-more-dreaded octuple-jump.

Although aliens possess technological capabilities millions of years beyond our own that enables them to embed secret codes in our satellite network, they can be stymied by Morse Code, which is generally printed on the front panel of a child's walkie talkie

Although aliens possess tentacles dexterous enough to manipulate human vocal cords from outside the throat when the need to speak strikes them, they can not open a door for themselves.

Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

Always knock over the phone if it wakes you up. If you are expecting a call, make sure that you pull the covers up completely over your head so that knocking it over becomes easier. All houses have phones next to the bed.

Always, a minute before a guy wants to confess he is cheating, the girl says how he is perfect and special and how any other man would of cheat on her a long time ago.

American cars seem to have major cooling system faults. Every time someone pulls over to see what's wrong with the car and opens the hood there is steam coming out of the radiator.

An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur, will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

An explosive device capable of leveling a large office building will fit inside a toolbox or small backpack.

An outcast will become popular if he/she does something wild such as getting drunk and stripping at a party.

Animals in movies always make the stereotypical sound of that particular animal whenever they are on screen. Cats are always meowing, dogs bark and growl and whine, cows moo--all the time.

Animals invariably have cute moves that are very human-like. An example of this is a dog covering its eyes/ears with its paws when an accident occurs.

Answering machines do not have messages from aluminum storm door salesmen.

Any "Permission Denied" error has an override function.

Any American visiting England either criticizes the lack of TV channels (or their content), or the fact that they drive on the left side of the road.

Any building that features a beaded curtain is always either a house of prostitution or the residence of a fortune teller.

Any character portrayed as a heavy drinker will take a good slug before any big scene involving guns, planes or cars

Any computer program, no matter what its purpose is, will make noise at every keystroke and everytime the system has to search.

Any foreign commando unit, spy cell or research team assigned to work with the hero will contain at least one beautiful female member (sexy accent optional).

Any gag used, regardless of how ineffective, will render the person so quiet that a potential rescuer will be unable to hear them, even if they are only a few feet away.

Any government-developed virus or biological agent will have no known cure.

Any gun pointed at the hero at close range and actually fired will have the safety on, which the hero will have been aware of, allowing him to ask the holder of the gun to shoot him.

Any handkerchief used during a picnic or barbecue meal must have a red and white checkerboard pattern on it.

Any kid, or dog for that matter can wonder around through an artillery barrage and not get killed while half the outfit will always get wiped out.

Any lock can be picked by our hero in 5 seconds with anything he has in his pocket (credit card, paper clip, etc.), unless there is a child behind the door and the room is on fire in which case he can't do anything until help arrives.

Any machine gun nest can be approached from behind without difficulty, but not until half the unit has been wiped out.

Any military encampment or bad guys compound etc will always feature a collection of standard 55 gallon drums, filled with some kind of dangerous explosive contents and when the cars start crashing and the bullets start flying.

Any monster that swallows an item whole - baseball, bad guy, small town - will then belch contentedly.

Any movie in which someone is stranded (shipwreck, plane crash, etc.) near water will include a learning to fish scene.

Any plan will succeed if the entire planning stage consists of someone saying and here's what we'll do... .

Any priest is either kindly or the villain. While nuns can deliver exposition, nuns are never villains.

Any safe can be opened in a few minutes with a stethoscope or some high-tech equipment with lots of blinking lights.

Any secretly planted device will have a steady or blinking light to make sure it's easy to find.

Any self-respecting modem can handle about two gigabytes of data per second.

Any text field used in a movie will always be exactly long enough to contain whatever data the hero intends to type, especially username/password popup displays.

Any time a woman is brave enough to face her attacker with a gun, the safety will be on. The assailant will laugh and take the gun from her.

Any time a woman is running in a movie, she will stumble, regardless of whether she's wearing running shoes or heels.

Any time you board a train, be prepared to do a little fighting on the roof. If you're a henchman, expect to be knocked off by a surprise tunnel.

Any time you see a really nice, snazzy foreign car or a great old car like a 65 mustang, you know it's going to be smashed into a million pieces.

Any vehicle, including clunkers, can make the trip down from Manhattan to Washington D.C. in just a few hours in gridlocked end-of-the-world type traffic

Anybody waking from a particularly disturbing nightmare will not only sit bolt upright and be out of breath, but will be drenched in sweat and screaming. The person next to them in bed will calmly ask them what's the matter.

Anyone can walk right into a dangerous factory and have a fight, without any security people being interested, unless of course it is the evil genius' factory (where he makes drugs, bombs, poison gas etc.) which has a large number of guards available for action at a moment's notice.

Anyone using a flashlight will invariably pan the light across the room eventually reaching the camera lens, causing an annoying lens flare in our face.

Anyone who falls from a high place while dying will let out a loud sustained shriek, even if they've just been shot several times in the chest.

Anytime the police are chasing someone, you know he is going to evade them and the majority of the police cars are going to slam into one another, knocking them out of the chase.

Anytime there is a race there is always a photo finish.

Apparently the LED timer on every bomb causes time to slow to a crawl. When there are 2 minutes left on the timer, it will take at least 15 minutes of screen time to count down, similar to the last 2 minutes of a NFL game.

Apparently villains can walk at a relaxed pace and still catch up to the heroes that are frantically running away.

Artists: Tempermental people. Writers crumple typewritten sheets in anger; They don't use word-processors. Painters stand with bare torsos, hurling gallons of paint at the canvass.

As with all hero detectives, the hero reporters is routinely taken off the story by his department head, occasionally suspended, yet continues to investigate the aforementioned story and naturally cracks it in the end.

Assassins will always wait 'till the very last moment to assemble their complex sniper weapon (often a pistol the size of a rifle).

Assassins with high powered gun sights always wait too long for a better shot, even though they have the victim's head centered for a good few seconds before they are finally thwarted by the good guy.

Asteroid positions are reported in plainly audible 75 BPS Baudot teletype signals.

Asteroids are discovered by astronomers peering directly through their telescopes in brightly lit observatories. Whatever they see will appear on computer monitors, however.

Asteroids are usually locked into orbits, but if a comet comes by, they can be bumped out of their rut and become dangerously unstable.

Asteroids made of softer or more volatile stuff than nickel will harmlessly burn up in the atmosphere regardless of size.

Asteroids that land in the ocean will do no damage regardless of size.

Asteroids travel through space making a noise like a powerful but subdued engine.

At a crime scene, the key piece of evidence will go undiscovered by the forensics team scouring the area, but will be found by the hero while he's just wandering about aimlessly.

At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

At least one time in every film made these days one character will ask another character, Are you okay?

At some point in a duel, the hero and villain will cross swords at face level, allowing them to grip each other's weapon while making nasty/sarcastic comments before they break the clinch and continue fighting.

At some point in the film--a quiet moment which will happen at least after the first action scene but before the final big one--one of the romantic leads will reveal the single incident in their past which explains their whole motivation and personality.

At the finish of a funeral service the detective will try to approach one of the mourners as they walk to their cars -- sometimes a member of the grieving family. This person will either push him away, or let something slip that will lead to a clue.

At the pivotal moment in the most important game of the year, a standing room only crowd, that seconds earlier was as loud and rowdy as any place on the planet, will become totally silent and all movement will totally stop.

Athletes forced to take a dive always find a way to bounce back and win once the threat is removed.

Attractive women sometimes fall for weird-looking aliens, but attractive men only fall for attractive women.

Bad guys lurk until their presence is revealed by a flash of lightning.

Bad guys will always get killed by a snake, while the hero simply reaches out and picks it up with his bare hands. (In addition, he will either break the reptile's neck (?) or bite it's head off)

Bad guys will always listen to classical music. When planning fiendish crimes or even taunting the hero in their sinister clutches they will always take a break to offer a critical or emotional review of their fave music. No henchmen will have knowledge of his fave music, making said master villain very irritable.

Bad-guy hand grenades make noise and smoke, but no real damage; good-guy hand grenades are devastating but selective; they will destroy tanks, but won't hurt the thrower, even if he drops one on his toe. Bad-guy grenades used by good guys become good-guy grenades, and _vice versa_.

Bags of groceries are never heavy.

Bar fights, especially in westerns, inevitably have the following scenarios: 1) Someone upstairs falls and smashes a table-usually with four card players. 2) Someone is thrown onto the bar, slides down, and knocks all the bottles/glasses off.

Bars: Troubled men gulp their drinks at one shot, and ask for another.

Bartenders always have a pump action sawed off double barrel shotgun behind the bar.

Baths: Bubble baths hide everything. Bubbles never dissipate.

Be sure to leave your important tapes, such as the one labeled "Incriminating evidence against Senator Smith showing him taking $24million in bribes and then fondling the drug lord's daughter" or your computer floppy disks labeled "All the nuclear launch codes are on here" where they can be easily found.

Beautiful women have a tendency to shower immediately after they heard that there's a mad killer in town.

Beautiful women will always fawn over an action hero, no matter what sexist remarks he makes to them.

Before an asteroid hits earth, there must be a scene showing someone having a good time or small children playing.

Before anyone gets an injection, the needle is shown and a little liquid will be expelled from the end of the needle. Usually there is a close up on the end of the needle.

Before anyone speaks into a live microphone, for a brief second the microphone will feedback slightly.

Beginners usually beat experienced players, as a mechanism for showing the neophyte's native brilliance. (This is about as common as a tall, athletic man who's never seen a basketball beating an NBA player in one-on-one. It could happen, if the pro had a really bad day, but who would you bet on?)

Belches and flatulence almost never occur while a character is alone in their apartment. It only happens in moments where to do so would cause maximum embarrassment.

Binoculars never need to be adjusted by the person viewing through them , the image will always instantly appear crystal clear .

Birth: The trip to the hospital has endless problems and only by the sheerest luck does the woman get to deliver in a place that has doctors. Just a couple of hours after giving birth, she looks

Blackmail photos always resurface.

Blood is always bright red and very, very watery

Bombs "whistle" when falling from a plane.

Bombs always have big, blinking, beeping timer displays. Evil geniuses who devise bombs to destroy things/people are always thoughtful enough to include a visible display (usually LED) of how much time remains before the bomb detonates, giving the hero accurate feedback on exactly how much time remains.

Bombs detonated with microwave ovens always explode 2 seconds after the timer reaches 00:00 and the microwave oven beeps.

 Can't get into the house? Don't worry! There's always the spare key under the welcome mat.

When a kid's dog runs away, it's usually been picked up by a mean bad guy. At the end of the movie, there will be a contest between the kid and the mean bad guy to see who gets to keep the dog. The dog is put in the middle of the two characters and they both have to call it at the same time. The one who the dog runs to gets to keep it. The dog will always start to go to the bad guy, but at the last second will go to the kid.

If the bad guys don't steal (or get paid with) money, they steal bearer bonds and they always remind everyone that they are untracable.

The villain will almost always kidnap the hero's woman in an atempt to destroy the hero's heart and spirit, but instead it gives him the will to go on and ends up being the villain's downfall, or the woman he kidnaps will end up defeating him.

Any kind of music in a club, at a dance, etc, always has a backbeat but no words.

Everyone's phone number is programmed into the same speed dial key.

Guns are always conveniently loaded with no more, and no less bullets than needed.

Even with three year olds running rampant, the mansion (of course) is always spotless.

Vegetables are always being chopped in the kitchen, but no one ever has the time to eat dinner.

Makeup in movies is mixed with a secret sticking solution, so it is incapable of becoming smudged or being rubbed off unless streaming mascara is needed for dramatic impact.

Black leather clothing is necessary to wield high-powered automatic weapons.

In action movies, there is always someone whose last words are, "Oh sh*t."

There is always one heavily muscled black guy, preferably with an accent of some sort, in action movies.

To be included in the geek clique, you must first have about 10 grand worth of orthodontia in your mouth.

At least one popular girl is blonde.

Even nerds don't have zits.

A huge wave of water or large ball of fire will always back up to give time for any important characters to run away. This usually happens when thecamera angle changes. Disasters that should take 5 seconds can easily take as long as necesary for characters to reach safety. These things usually never effect the hiding spot.

When two or more people are having a phone conversation, it is never terminated with a "goodbye", they always just hang up after getting to the point.

Whenever the hero or heroine is injured, it will always be a member of the opposite sex who treats their wounds, especially if the man is the wounded one.

If a man hits the heroine, she will do nothing for the present but will return near the end to give him a good whack. However, a heroine will never hit the hero back.

Teenage girls only own pretty, lacy, undergarments, and they always have matching sets of bras and panites.

Villans will always explain their plan, in its entirety, to the hero before leaving him in an easily escapable situation with an incredibly incompetentguard, or no guard at all.

When the distressed hero goes to drown his spirits at the bar, he'll say to the bartender, "Leave the bottle," and the bartender does, no questions asked.

In movies and television, Crime Scene Investigators don't just do the forensics, they question suspects and solve entire crimes FOR the DA.

Talking to someone in a coma will bring them out if it.

When the hero is taking on a barrage of the villian's henchmen, they will attack him one at a time.

If a man is dressed up as a woman, no matter how ugly of a woman he is, some guy will hit on him.

Cheerleaders wear their uniforms to school and they all sit at the same table.

Anytime a hero or group of heroes has entered the villians lair or any other heavily gaurded facility, the heroes will have to at one point sneak pass gaurds or hide from two gaurds walking down a hallway. And they will never be noticed.

While 2 people are talking on the phone, and one hangs up on the other, the person who got hung up on will hear a dial tone. (In reality, when someone hangs up on you, the phone goes blank and makes no noise at all, unless off the hook for too long).

A villain can hotwire any car in a matter of seconds.

Extremely wealthy characters speak with a British accent.

It is impossible to hear the television when a character is watching it in the background.

Teenage boys always have messy rooms, the beds always have plaid covers, and posters are all over the walls.

In schools, students always completely clear out of the classroom no longer than 3 seconds after the bell rings, no matter what is going on.

People have conversations while fighting each other hand-to-hand.

Nightmares always end with a scream.

Bullies always wear leather jackets and have a mini-gang.

Men don't seem to show signs of pain when receiving brutal beatings, but do when women try to clean the wounds.

Characters get over another person's death in about a day.

No deaths in a movie may be in the background. They can only occur on screen or not seen at all, unless it is a comedy.

All Hollywood films end with a man or woman kissing each other.

Debate in the United Nations always takes the form of long-winded speeches, in which the delegate (incorrectly referred to as an ambassador) insults [insert nation here] followed by some kind of chairman saying, "Ambassador from [the insulted nation], what say ye?" The actual rules parliamentary procedure are never followed. Similary, the nations of the United Nations ALWAYS make all important decisions in the General Assembly, rather than breaking into smaller committees like they do in real life.

In horror movies the people having sex or stripping are most likely to be the ones murdered next.

All answering machines will have one message, containing something important to the story.

Whenever the hero dies in a gun fight he is always shot in the chest multiple times. He will then slowly drop down to his knees with bullets still flying over his shoulders. Next he falls forward and a close friend, his wife, husbad ect will then run over to him/her. The hero will then tell him/her what to do to save the world just as he/she dies.

There will be a typical american family. mother prepares breakfast. the child is sat at the table. father will enter and he is late for work with his shirt wrongly buttoned up and his tie not properly tied. he will kiss his wife on the cheek and will grab a slice of toast before rushing out the door with it.

All archers never run out of arrows

The entire Alien Species is united under a single ruler/ruling body, not having been divided into different countries or territories.

The person with special powers never seems to use them for anything fun or practical.

Lasers are visible in space.

When a laser misses in space, it ends abruptly instead of continuing to go through space until it hits something else.

After a ship blows up its debris scatter, but don't damage any other ship despite being large and traveling at high velocities.

When a scene comes up on a ship yard in space, the debris of the ship stay still, even though their inertia should have carried them through space at a constant velocity.

When ships lights on fire, the flames are visible in outerspace, even though there's no oxygen.

Ships always seem to be using propulsion even though it's a waste of energy.

When spaceships turn suddenly, crew members tend to fall over even though the source of gravity is comming from the floor.

All Aliens seem to understand human body language (ex shaking head), despite that even humans sometimes have difficulties comprehending the non-verbal communication when confronted with foreign cultures.

After being removed from a place/artifact that prevents aging, the character's biological progress attains unbelievable speed and he
grows old quickly.

Characters can survive in outer space by holding their breath.

Characters get frozen when they float in outer space.

The girls in the locker room shower are always gorgeous, and naked.

When a guy screws up in a relationship, he'll call his girl a million times, and she will listen to all his messages, but never pick up the phone.

A group of guys playing cards is always playing poker, drinking beer, and smoking cigars.

Scenes taking place at an asylum have crazy people wandering around unsupervised, while some nurse is pushing a catatonic in a wheelchair.

People investigating a house where there may be a ghost, murderer, or monster never turn the lights on.

All teenage boys have some kind of "do not enter or else" sticker or sign on their bedroom door.

Something very very bad always happens when someone says "How bad can it be?" or "Can things get any worse?"

The man, when breaking up with a woman, will always try to tell her that it’s not her, it’s him. However, the woman has already seen every single movie like this one and will be aware of this cliché, so she replies with something like “don’t give me that”.

While crossing wobbly old rope bridges, the hero will always state “don’t look down.” Then the female will say, “too late,” prompting the wooden board she next steps on to break and she falls through, and is left dangling high above a river that’s always full of hungry, man-eating crocodiles.

Any teen comedy usually ends with a prom no matter the time of year.

If the hero is running, the henchmen's' machine-guns will always give off sparks behind the heroes feet and never actually hit him

Heroes/villains, especially when wearing bulky, heavy, long black trench coats, can jump easily from rooftop to rooftop, always able to clear alleys ten to fifteen feet wide.

If a parent goes to their child's bedroom and they are already in bed asleep, the parent will approach the bed and say something kind to the sleeping child before brushing their hair into place and kissing them on the forehead.

If there happens to be a high-rise building in an action/disaster film, you can always expect an oblivious Hispanic janitor listening to salsa on his headphones.

Millions of deaths each year are preventable, but alas, the one person who can save them has their music up so high that it drowns out all top-of-lung, bloodcurdling screams for help.

Be extremely cautious around cremation urns, because somehow it's going to get knocked over.

If there is a dangerous man breaking into a house, only the mother and daughter will be home. The mother will then usher the child into a closet and tell her to stay there, and the closet will always have those blinds with little slits in them that the child can look through. The bad man will always approach the closet, but will never look inside before leaving.

Whenever a character is sneaking around in a movie set in the Middle Ages or in an Arab country, he always accidentally bumps into a bad guy who calls out “Guards! Guards!” About 25 guards jump out of nowhere and are carrying huge swords.

An alcoholic can always chug down a gallon of whisky without vomiting, getting really drunk, or burning their throat. He’ll chug it down, wince, and go “Aahhh!”

If there is about to be a huge disaster like an alien invasion or the world is about to be plunged into a new ice age there will always be a smart character who can see what’s going to happen well before it does, but is ignored and made fun of by everyone until its too late.

In a gunfight, the hero can hide behind any object even if it is very thin and no bullets will pass through.

In a movie with a Chinese bad guy, the guy ALWAYS hangs out in China Town and his hideout is ALWAYS in a Chinese restaurant.

If someone gets punched in the face and it gives off a large *thwack* sound, they usually remain conscious whereas if they are karate chopped in the back of the neck, they will be out cold for hours.

The hero may get shot in the arm at the very end.

If a number of people are knocked out with gas or otherwise, they will all wake up at approximately the same time